Traveling for the holidays? You can scare off that seatmate who just won’t shut up | Opinion

Thanksgiving week right through Christmas and New Year’s is the most jam-packed time to travel. Take a train, if you like. Book a bus or plane. You’re going to be rubbing elbows with a range of fellow journeyers.

And, as we frequent travelers know, it’s extremely likely that you’ll be sharing your row — 38 D, E and F — with at least one nut.

Yes, I said “nut” — and I am not sorry about the old-style word. I know nutty passengers particularly well.

I’ve sat near a guy who made me scroll through the frequently dialed numbers on his cell phone just to prove he was a personal pal of the U.S. ambassador to Malta. “Nice, very nice,” was all I could think to reply.

And there was the woman who hummed for five hours on a red-eye from Seattle to Boston. Not show tunes, not classic hits, not notes at all. Just a sound like a Whirlpool dishwasher, minus the rinse.

For years I thought I could discourage fellow passengers from sitting near me by faking sleep, opening my mouth and firing off exaggerated snores. It didn’t work. I got seatmates who snored, too.

Like Anne Tyler’s “Accidental Tourist,” I tried to cut off conversation by burying my nose on takeoff inside a dull-looking 600-page hardcover book. No dice: Most seatmates, I found, viewed this as an invitation to lean over and read along.

Reading a volume on Artesian wells? You’ll find you’ve plopped down next to a very talkative water engineer. Is it a guide to the world’s rock doves? Meet your new pal: An ornithologist who keeps pigeons (and has one along in a pet-carrier under his seat).

Finally, with another long trip on tap, I went to work on a plan. It involved some trial and error. It required refinement.

But, at last, I’ve perfected a patented system that works on buses, trains — even flights like Southwest’s that have open seating — and lets you travel in perfect peace and comfort.

Here is what you must do: Slap on your cheesiest grin, arch those eyebrows and pat the empty seat next to you. That’s right: Pat, arch and grin.

You’ve got to invite each stranger you see to select the seat next to you.

You have lots to say, you tell them, it’s got to do with rock doves, or Artesian wells, or bundt cake recipes — and you are eager to begin!

This, I promise you, will do the trick. You’ll enjoy trip after blissful trip with acres of extra elbow and leg room. You may even find yourself in entirely empty rows.

The more you beckon, the more you’ll benefit, forcing wary passengers to the farthest corners of the fuselage.

Of course, there is a minuscule chance of complications. It’s extremely rare, but I offer this warning: One goofball in a thousand may be thrilled to accept your offer.

If this happens, all bets are off. I cannot guarantee your safety. It means your brand-new seatmate may be even more of a nut than you.

Peter Mandel is a travel journalist and author of children’s books including “Jackhammer Sam” and “Bun, Onion, Burger.”