Elections

9 ways Dave Barry and Carl Hiaasen would change the presidential race

Video: Carl Hiaasen vs. Dave Barry on Super Tuesday

Carl Hiaasen and Dave Barry discuss the candidates in the presidential primary race during an event at the Miracle Theatre in Coral Gables on Super Tuesday.
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Carl Hiaasen and Dave Barry discuss the candidates in the presidential primary race during an event at the Miracle Theatre in Coral Gables on Super Tuesday.

From Florida's Python Challenge to the candidates most likely to get us into World War III, Dave Barry and Carl Hiaasen lobbed a few choice zingers about the 2016 presidential campaign at the Miracle Theater in Coral Gables.

From Florida's Python Challenge to the candidates most likely to get us into World War III, Dave Barry and Carl Hiaasen lobbed a few choice zingers about the 2016 presidential campaign Tuesday night at the Miracle Theater in Coral Gables.

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Here are nine ways Barry and Hiaasen would remake the campaign — and, no, we’re not making this up!

▪  “This is the weirdest presidential election campaign anybody has ever seen," Barry said, noting a CNN story about Donald Trump brushing aside comments from Marco Rubio about the size of his hands. Hiaasen: “Where do you start with that?"

▪ Hiaasen on the Donald: “It's like someone put a Muppet in the microwave.’’

▪ Hiaasen on Gov. Rick Scott quashing efforts to restore felons’ voting rights: “Who is more qualified to vote on politicians in Florida than convicted felons? These are the most informed voters we have.”

▪ Barry on Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders: “Bernie is very angry at everything. He’s “extremely popular with people who probably never had a job." On Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton: "She scares the s--t out of me."

▪ The two diverted to Florida's Python Challenge. Said Barry: “Only Florida would have thought of it!"

▪ On the world order: Said Hiaasen: “Who is the least likely to get us into World War III?” (Rubio, on the Republican side; Clinton and Sanders on the Democratic side.)

▪ Hiaasen on a global worldview: Trump “couldn't find Syria with a GPS. He is truly one of the most intellectually lazy human beings that has ever run for president.” (Tell us how you really feel, Carl.)

▪ Barry's platform: Death penalty for anyone who made Americans use low-flow toilets.

▪ Hiaasen's platform: "Imprison the Kardashian family."

Their solution for salvaging the 2016 presidential race: They’ll run. Dave as prez, Carl as VP.

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