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Artist with a sexy hedge wants ‘lowlifes’ to please stop having sex with it

Sheffield, England, retired artist Keith Tyssen says he’s sick of drunk passersby pretending to have sex with his garden hedge “privet lady” at night. He said  it takes time to maintain “Gloria’s” character and he has to repair the topiary.
Sheffield, England, retired artist Keith Tyssen says he’s sick of drunk passersby pretending to have sex with his garden hedge “privet lady” at night. He said it takes time to maintain “Gloria’s” character and he has to repair the topiary. BBC Broadcast/Screenshot

Keith Tyssen has put a lot of work into his hedge. He trims it, shapes it, arranges the leaves and keeps it looking tasteful and proper.

So he’d like to ask drunken “lowlifes’ to please stop trying to have sex with it, according to The Star.

“You get drunks having fun with her in the middle of the night. I’ve been woken many times, mainly by men and sometimes also by women, messing about with her and making a lot of hysterical noises,” Tyssen told Express UK. “They’re climbing on top of her. It’s disgusting.”

Tyseen has maintained his “privet lady” topiary art at his Sheffield, England, home for more than a decade, and in that time, she’s become something of a local icon, he told The Telegraph.

“Most people are amused and the students from the university often come to pose in front of it for their graduation photographs,” the artist, who usually creates works in silver and pewter, told the paper. “It’s a local figure of fun and amusement. That’s how I like it, but it’s awful how it gets molested in such vicious ways.”

Tyssen told the BBC the hedge has evolved over 40 years, beginning as a Greek god and gradually morphing into the tastefully nude reclining woman it is today.

“I started by doing a figure of a monster which was headbutting a lamp post at the end of my garden and then it developed into this monster defending a maiden, he told The Star. “The lady came out of my love for visual invention — it’s just a creative thing I enjoy messing about with.”

He told the BBC the behavior disturbs him and that he’s considered putting up a sign warning people to stay off the topiary.

“I don’t want them to behave like that with my privet lady. She’s too privet, or private you know?” he told the station.

It’s not just a matter of taste. He told the Telegraph it takes time and effort to grow and shape the hedge back into the proper shape after people canoodle with it, and that the hedge, which he named Gloria, “never quite recovers and always seems to be scarred or broken in some way.”

For now, he’s not reported any of the incidents to police, he told The Star. In the meantime, he bought Gloria a necklace to give her a “morale boost” until people start to act properly.

“I’ll always try and keep her going,” he told the paper.

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