On behalf of our Republican lawmakers and their family-friendly initiatives, I’d like to welcome you, fun-seekers, to the Gunshine State!
No open-carry on alcoholic drinks, but a gun in plain view is OK.
Sexual moves on the beach can get you from probation to a two-year prison sentence. The meeting of genitalia need not be visible to onlookers for prosecution; only their hysteria needs to exist.
But guns, those we want you to flaunt!
No pro-gun measure is too farfetched in this NRA stronghold. There’s even hunting in state parks.
Here, you can stand your ground and get away with murder. You can install a gun range in your backyard. And now, Republican Party movers and shakers have set the stage to pass an open-carry law in the next legislative session. The campus-carry that mercifully died last session (thanks to one sensible Republican who didn’t put it up for a vote) has been resurrected. So, foreign student, you, too, could show off your piece at the library while your parents back home boast about your superlative American education.
Too bad for those peace-loving, gun-adverse Brits and Aussies who wrote to tell me they’re not coming to visit. Who needs them? We’re brimming with brave tourists and part-time residents from Europe and Latin America happy to scoop up our overstock of high-design condos. They don’t mind our gun culture anymore than they do seaweed-infested eroding beaches, parking-lot traffic, or the Republicans embedded in office.
They come for the drinks at the tiki bar — and we aim to please. That hippie Deco Peach Margarita is so passé. There are trendier elixirs better suited to the times.
There’s Bullet to the Head, a mix of vodka, gin, rum, tequila and cola — an ode to Florida crackers, Cubans, Russians and Mexicans that add flavor to our multiculturalism. There’s the Silver Bullet, which you can pretty much take any way you like — tequila or vodka, whiskey or Sambuca, or all of the above. The lemon twist is optional — we’re open-hearted like that.
The classic mojito, however, is begging for an update.
I propose that we rename the beloved Miami drink to honor our Doral-to-Naples state representative, Carlos Trujillo — who voted for the open-carry bill in the criminal justice subcommittee Tuesday and for packing guns on campus last session.
Let’s call it the mojazo, after that macho BAM! of a gunshot and the extra hit of Cuban rum.
And what cultural makeover is complete without emblematic lawn art?
No more pink flamingos or virgencita urns for you tourists to photograph in Miami. The new front-yard kitsch are oversized plastic guns that spew smoke in rainbow colors. That’ll have to do until a graffiti artist spray-paints a gun on the Coppertone girl.
It’s pack-heat-and-carry-on in Mickey’s Florida.
We couldn’t get rid of the Republican leadership anymore than we could rake the seaweed.
But do visit. Just remember: Leave your libido behind. The only sex on the beach you can have is the drink.
And don’t forget to pack a bullet-proof vest and a camouflage bikini. They’re way more expensive in the NRA gift shop in the hotel lobby.