U.F.O.s: What does the government know?
Dearest aliens (the real extraterrestrials, not the so-minted undocumented humans in the USA):
You might want to rethink landing in Florida.
There’s no intelligent life and too much shade these days in the Sunshine State.
For your sake, alienitos, I hope the jet-flying Navy pilots featured in The New York Times for capturing on video “unexplained flying objects” over Jacksonville actually filmed an army of drones.
Five pilots confirmed to The Times that they saw these “strange” oval-shaped machines with no visible engine or exhaust plumes flying at hypersonic speeds and reaching altitudes of 30,000 feet.
And it’s not hearsay.
The Defense Department released some of the videos they took between the summer of 2014 and March of 2015 over the skies of the East Coast, from Virginia to Florida. This goes way beyond glowing auras.
I believe them.
You were casing the hot real estate market — otherwise known as overdevelopment without infrastructure in place — in the third most populated state in the union.
I get why you might think Florida is a perfect fit for you. After all, you can fly over the choking traffic. And thanks to out-of-control algae bloom infestations, the pasty green slime might have given you a sense of home.
But, there’s no sanctuary here, the Legislature has ruled.
It doesn’t matter if nobody uses their turn signals on the More Stress Expressway, otherwise known as the Ronald Reagan Turnpike. If you’re from outer space — also defined here as south of the Río Grande — a ticket by a cop in a bad mood could land you in the immigration slammer. From there, it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump back to your solar system.
And no, there’s no more marrying for a green card or engendering U.S. citizen children who can claim you.
If Trumpeters and Trumpettes, a special brand of earthly creatures vying to turn purple Florida red, re-elect their man in Washington and pack the House again, so long to family reunification and hello to luxury green cards.
Unless you can show some heavy-duty professional merit, bring some major dinero to invest, and prove you feel enough patriotism to pass a civics tests that most high school graduates would fail, there’s no entryway for you.
And…du llu espiki ingli?
Forget about it.
Unless you’ve assimilated to earthly nuttiness before you even get here, take your antennas elsewhere, the gringos say.
This isn’t La Yuma we loved any more.
This is Trump Country; it’s his way or another planet for you.
I’m not being unfriendly or unwelcoming.
I’m only trying to warn you that you better be traveling with a Bible in your pocket.
Or aim your saucers farther south in the state, where there’s still some party life left (just not on Memorial Day in South Beach). Sources say the perennial fiesta is moving to Fort Lauderdale, where the boys used to be in my day, but city fathers are getting the jitters as the strip starts to feel and sound more Miami than Margaritaville.
Let me tell you about my city.
We have experience with extraterrestrials: A former Doral councilwoman who ran for Congress is most famous for asserting on television that you exist. Aliens once took her on a spaceship, she said.
In my little corner of Miami, I also had a neighbor who believed in you.
She too had been abducted, she confided, before she told me that this is why I needed to tell my daughter to take down from her bedroom wall the warm, fuzzy E.T. poster the neighbor could see from her house at night when the lights were on and the curtains weren’t drawn.
“It spooks me,” she said, adding that if my daughter was going to put up posters, anyhow, I should make sure they were properly framed, otherwise the room looks messy.
This reminded me of one of the reasons we fled to Miami from Cuba: the neighborhood watchdogs that kept you in line known as the Committees for the Defense of the Revolution.
Here, we traded the Communist CDR for the capitalist HOA, the homeowners association. The latter is a mirror of the first, as this one too has the power to target people with whom directors and management disagree politically.
But other than that, and mass and drive-by shootings, South Florida can be Paradise Found.
So let me be the first to say, bienvenidos!
Welcome, people of the universe, to F-l-o-r-i-d-a!