Encourage shy kids to thrive without forcing them into the limelight

With Halloween at the end of the month and the holiday season following closely behind, it’s easy to think that all children will be bursting with joy at the prospects of candy, turkey, presents and parties. But not every child feels that way. For many, the parties and even small get togethers of the holidays can be anxiety-filled events viewed with dread — and not the fun Halloween kind.

Some parents get frustrated, confused and angry at the difficulties in getting their kids to just say hello to company, much less engage in any meaningful conversation. And it’s easy to shrug off the difficulties and say their child is just “shy” and that they need to get over it. But while there may be value to putting children in some social situations that they are uncomfortable with and letting them learn how to adjust, the reality is that handling shyness often needs to be done in more subtle and soft ways.

It is also important for parents to know that shyness can be a sign of intelligence and introspection in children, just as it might be a sign of something troublesome. With some understanding and forethought of their own, most parents will be able to get timid children out of their shell so they can enjoy the holidays and most any social gatherings while fostering the benefits that come with it.

What is Shyness All About?

Shyness can come from a variety of foundations — and they are not all negative. Although bullying, inexperience and other negative factors can make kids unsure of themselves in social settings, shyness is also associated with academic achievement, good behavior and listening skills. In a world fraught with individuals vying for attention and trying to make a splash, there is still a needed place for kind, gentle souls to shine their quiet light amidst the noise of modern life. So don’t overly focus on the pitfalls.

Still, children can use help when anxious thoughts keep them from engaging in age-appropriate interactions with their peers or adults and lacking in self-confidence. Just as you don’t want to force your child to always be the center of attention, you also don’t want them to avoid new experiences or refrain from being social because they have difficulty opening up in certain situations.

Be Supportive, Not Pushy

There’s nothing wrong with being shy, but parents should avoid labelling their kids as such. Children often live up to the labels we give them. Instead, focus on social practice with anxiety management in a safe and familiar place, like a home playdate. Be patient and look for slight improvements initially, while encouraging them along the way.

If you want your child to be outgoing, friendly and gregarious, the best way to help them along their way is for them to see you modeling that behavior. At the same time, explain that you weren’t always like that, and that it takes practice to overcome shyness. Don’t only talk in generalities, either, as stories of your childhood and instances where you overcame shyness in your own life are most likely to resonate with your child. Tell them all the good that can come from being more outgoing, like making new friends, having fun and even getting more enjoyment out of school.

You don’t have to limit your conversations on shyness and overcoming it to personal experience, either, as you can highlight characters in literature, movies or the news that overcome shyness to build their courage.

Shine a Soft Light

Help children identify their natural temperament and talents and develop habits around them. If your child tends to shun the limelight, don’t force them onto center stage in certain situations. But do praise them and single them out quietly when they do good so they can feel the pleasure of being recognized and understand that getting kudos feels good. Encouraging these experiences will naturally move your child to become more social, as they will see themselves talented and capable individuals who are worthy of attention. This sense of confidence can lead them to become braver in social situations.

A shy personality does not have to be an impediment to healthy development in a child. Oftentimes, the opposite is true because it leads to self-reflection and understanding. But parents need to be there for their children to make sure it does not lead to unwanted solitude, depression or other mental health issues. Help them understand that people are social animals. We crave togetherness and shared experiences. Getting there doesn’t have to be anxiety-laden, instead patience and understanding can lead the way.

Help is Available

While children may need help from their parents, parents could also sometimes use additional support when dealing with extreme shyness in their kids. Help discussing shyness and or other mental health issues is available thanks to a collaborative partnership between The Children’s Trust, Miami-Dade County Public Schools and the Florida Department of Health in Miami-Dade County that funds social work and mental health services in clinics in about half of all public elementary, K-8, middle and senior high schools (145 sites).

Kathleen Dexter, M.S.W., is a program manager for The Children’s Trust, and a licensed clinical social worker with extensive experience in the design and implementation of child and family services programs. For more information, visit thechildrenstrust.org.

This story was originally published October 8, 2021 at 12:00 AM.