It has come to our attention that finally, after what feels like decades, South Florida is about to see “Hamilton.”
We have spent years gloomily liking social media posts from our friends – “Finally in the room where it happens! #hamilton” – even though we were seething with rage and jealousy.
And now “Hamilton” is here. Well, not here in Miami. That doesn’t happen until the 2019-2020 season. But here in the sense it starts Dec. 18 at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts in Fort Lauderdale, which is at least closer than Broadway’s Richard Rodgers Theatre or any of the nine million other theaters it has played in since its inception.
Because “Hamilton” is such a monster hit, though, we are somewhat worried it will attract theater novices. Not that we are snobs. No! Not at all. But we also know how South Florida people tend to act foolish in public more times than not. So here are some simple rules to follow if you took out a second mortgage to see “Hamilton” but don’t yet understand theater etiquette.
Don’t try to rap along with the actors
Yes, we know you know the lyrics of “My Shot.” Everybody knows the lyrics of “My Shot.” Babies roll out of the womb babbling about being young, scrappy and hungry. But listen. You are not Lin-Manuel Miranda, and you are DEFINITELY not Daveed Diggs (though if you are, sit next to me, OK?) You are not in your car on 836. The professional touring cast can handle the performances without your help.
In fact, don’t talk at all
Nothing you could say is more important or interesting than what’s happening on stage, including “The theater is on fire.” We spent a lot of money on these tickets. We’re eating PBJs for the next two months. You are insignificant. Don’t forget it.
Don’t unwrap candy during the show
If you can’t go an hour and a half without eating something, see your doctor.
Don’t get drunk
This isn’t a Dolphins game. Enjoy your adult beverage and remember you can’t afford to buy a second one because did we mention these tickets cost a fortune?
Don’t try to record the performance
This isn’t a Coldplay concert. You may have noticed by the fact that the music is actually good.
In fact, put your phone away
If you’re checking your texts you’re too dumb to be here.
Seriously. Just don’t.
When: Dec. 18-Jan. 20
Where: Broward Center for the Performing Arts, 201 SW Fifth Ave., Fort Lauderdale