EDITOR’S NOTE: For those of you who don’t know, Miami.com’s new internet frenemy, Philly.com, has been throwing us a little shade, which we can use down here. It’s really hot. They got mad that we weren’t super amped about Wawa. We got mad they dissed Publix. Now we are squaring off over sandwiches. Cheesesteak versus Cuban. For journalism.
— Stephanie Farr (@FarFarrAway) July 28, 2017
We understand Philly has a sandwich that makes its whole city proud. It’s called a cheesesteak, and its ingredients are — wait for it — steak and cheese.
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Well, make that a melted yellow crayon “cheese product,” called Cheez Wiz, which can’t legally call itself cheese.
Let us help you get that image out of your head by telling you a little bit about our Cuban sandwich.
Even the most modest Cuban sandwich is made on pillowy bread, layered with sliced Serrano ham, mojo-marinated pork, pungent Swiss (actual) cheese, crisp dill pickle slices and slathered with yellow mustard. (I like mine with a little mayo, too. I know: Controversial.) Now take that beauty and toast it in a press until it crunches in a perfect, golden brown bite.
With a cheesesteak, your main options include onions and canned mushrooms with your sliced sirloin and cheese product. That’s it. (By the way, what exactly is cheese product? Is it that orange slime they put on nachos at the movies? Is it toxic? Would you even try to eat it if you weren’t drunk?)
In Philly, you have two restaurants fighting over which has the iconic cheesesteak, and even you guys agree they’re both terrible. And though folks could choose actual cheese, most people at either of these spots go for the iconic yellow sludge, according to our frenemies at Philly.com.
In Florida, we have two cities battling over who has the best Cuban sandwich, and this debate may never end. (Sorry, Tampa. Plus salami, minus mayo equals no bueno.)
A guy even tried to make up a National Cuban Sandwich Day because it would immediately become the best of the Totally Fake Internet Holidays. We totally endorse this.
I understand Philly has a National Cheesesteak Day but that this year it landed during Lent, so none of the good Catholics could partake. As a former altar boy, I’m going to call that a blessing in plain sight.
Look, I have no problem with your painfully simple sandwich. It’s greasy, meaty, cheesy (I’ll have mine with provolone) and delicious. I even agree it’s a terrible idea to try to gentrify this sandwich into something a hipster would order at a place called Meat & Mallet or Marrow & Spoon.
You think we can feed greasy cheesesteaks to the models who come here for Swim Week? Uh, no. But an offer of an only-in-Miami sanwiche cubano might just get her to break her diet long enough to give you her digits, bro.
So here’s what I’ll do: I’ll slap some stamps on a Cuban sandwich and drop it into a mailbox. When it reaches you in eight days, Philly, it’ll still be better than your cheesesteak.