Club + Bars

7 Reasons Old People Need to Stop Complaining About Ultra Music Festival

Photo: Tomas Loewy
Photo: Tomas Loewy

So you don’t know your DJ Snake from your deadmau5. You think Tiesto is a nap you take in the middle of the afternoon. Fine. You’re middle aged.  That’s OK,  but it’s no reason to hate on Ultra Music Festival, which rolls into Miami Friday. Here’s why old people (everybody over 30) should give it a rest.


1. Dance music isn’t by definition terrible. 

The last time people whined this much about dance music was in the ’70s when they went around saying “Disco sucks.” And what do you know?  They figured out eventually that disco was awesome and that they were idiots for thinking Yes was anything more than a sonic migraine.

2. You love Daft Punk. 

Every old person complaining about EDM has secretly downloaded “Get Lucky” onto their workout playlists.

3. Fashion isn’t forever. 

 You can’t wear a Day-Glo tutu at 40. If you’re ever going to wear one, you need to be in first grade or between the ages 15 and 25. Remember: You once made poor fashion choices, too (exactly how much blue eye shadow did you go through in 1984?).

4. David Guetta. 

Don’t lie. You like at least one David Guetta mix. And if you’re in Miami it’s almost certainly Flo Rida’s “Club Can’t Handle Me,” which inspires you to flail around your living room in a deeply embarrassing manner. Just ask your kids.

5. Every previous decade had crappy music.

Yes, your decades too. If you grew up in the ‘60s and ‘70s, I have two words for you: Grateful Dead. OK, so everybody likes “Truckin’,” but people avoided school, gainful employment and other adult commitments to FOLLOW THIS BAND AROUND THE COUNTRY while wearing super ugly tie dye and getting excited about  “jams” (i.e., songs) that last three and a half hours. (Later generations: Don’t be smug. You used to think Phish didn’t suck). 

6. Not everything was great in the 1980s, either. 

The decade of Chrissie Hynde, R.E.M. and Michael Jackson had its moments. But you wore acid-washed jeans and leg warmers, plus you made Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” the no. 1 song of the decade.  So don’t bitch about Avicii.

7. Or the ‘90s.

It wasn’t all Tupac, Nirvana and Sleater Kinney, you know. You’re responsible for the popularity of Ace of Base and the fact that we’re stuck doing the Macarena at every wedding we’ve attended since.