So it’s that time of the year again when those hyper-color pink furry boots come out of the closet and you untz-untz-untz til the break of dawn-dawn-dawn. All these over-the-top activities including repulsive fashion-wear result into one thing and one thing only: DRUGS! Either you’re taking them or selling them or both. Below are the top 10 drugs you’ll find at Ultra Music Festival and beyond. (Reader discretion is advised.)
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Description: Yeah – we know, your grandma smokes weed on the weekends – no biggie. You hear the local PTA mom sells weed brownies on the side – big whoop. It’s a “plant” for Christ’s sake! With all that aside, it’s still a friggin drug and it’ll get you high as f**k, especially if you smoke that good ‘ish. Definitely smoke the herbs that “enhances the music” – that’ll get you in the zone. Wondering where you can find the good “Cali bud” and not that “heavily processed stuff”? Just ask your local jazz musician or that Rasta guy at the farmer’s market selling Coco-Frio … they’ll know what’s up.
Side Effects: Classic case of munchies, overtly body-swaying that may lead to awkward dancing and dehydration.
Warning: May lead to passing out somewhere under a tree which passerbys might think you’re homeless.
Description: Do we really need to discuss your drinking problem at this moment? Whatever your poison: vodka, gin, tequila, rum, whiskey, beer, wine, champagne, Listerine – over-priced bottle-service is always available 24/7 during whatever trashy-EDM DJ performance. Cheers!
Side Effects: Really loud “bro-fest-Woo-Hoo” screaming when the beat drops and dehydration.
Warning: Too much of anything may lead to an overdraft fee on your bank account and puking in a porta potty.
Description: One word – Scarface.
Side Effects: Obnoxious fist-bumping and unnecessary chit-chatting that results into TMI and dehydration.
Warning: Doing rails of coke will eventually lead to sweaty armpits and inevitably doube-baggery. Proceed with caution.
(a.k.a. Ecstasy, X, XTC, Ice, Disco Biscuits, Molly, Stacy, Jenny, Mary, Ethel, Edna, Esther … okay, now I’m just making shit up)
Description: This is the classic rave-drug; the “O-G” of sorts for those underground warehouse techno parties that your parents talk about with fond nostalgia. Even Katie Holmes tripped on E in that 1999 god-awful rave movie “Go” – remember that one? This pill is all upper, all the time. Created specifically for the purpose of dancing for 8 hours straight, you will burn 4,000 calories and most likely have leg pains for weeks when all is said and done. Words of advice – wear comfortable shoes.
Side Effects: Lots of hugging and touching random strangers which may end up getting someone pregnant or humping a tree … and extreme dehydration.
Warning: There are lots of different “Mollys” out there that are laced with PCP, crack, all sorts of not-pure MDMA … so proceed with caution.
Description: Timothy Leary called LSD a “re-born” drug where one becomes God every day – om shanti, bro. This drug may pop up more at a Phish concert than at Ultra but don’t rule out the infamous hippie-ravers – trippin’ on that groove, man!
Side Effects: Colors, maaaaan … like, whoa, these colors are raaaad … and dehydration.
Warning: You will eventually be naked.
(or what the kids call “Lean” or the “Purple Drank”)
Description: It’s essentially NyQuil x 100. I honestly don’t understand the reason for wanting to taking a form of sleeping aid at a loud EDM music festival but, hey, whatever floats your boat, kids.
Side Effects: Evvvverrrrythiiiiing isssss reeeeallllyyyyy sloooooooow … and dehydration.
Warning: You will fall asleep – guaranteed.
7. CHOPPED UP ADDERALL
(or Dexedrine or any type of doctor prescribed amphetamines)
Description: Imagine your life moving with the 4x fast forward button.
Side Effects: Consistently jumping up and down then passing the f**k out … and dehydration
Warning: Your patience level is -30 so that line to go to the bathroom; forget about it. You’re better off peeing behind the Artist Catering tent.
Description: The Holy Drug. The Drug of the Gods. The Burning Man Breakfast. DMT is a psychedelic tryptamine compound that’s found in the human brain. Scientists say that DMT is released right before death. Ayahuasca is that drug you take during your 30 day silent retreat in the Amazon jungle where you release your demons and become one with the heavens. So imagine that in a sea of 100,000 raging ravers listening to Tiesto!?! F***ING AWESOME!
Side Effects: You see Jesus Christ … and dehydration.
Warning: You may have an out-of-body experience which will result into you thinking you can fly so please stay far away from elevated platforms.
9. BATH SALTS
Description: It’s pretty much all the rage. You can buy them at any discount home and bath store for like 95 cents. I understand it gets you extremely high and hungry. Besides that – it smells delicious!
Side Effects: You might try to eat someone’s face off … and most definitely dehydration.
Warning: See above.
Description: There’s this thing called LIFE and you are LIVING it and you take deep, solid breaths of gratitude for being ALIVE and feel extremely blessed to LIVE and LOVE and DANCE and SING and … in another words, you’re 1 of like 1,000 people at Ultra who abstain from the evils of druggy-hood and is all about that “health-is-wealth” shit. Sober Life – all day, err-day!
Side Effects: Being asked to drive someone somewhere or help find something for someone or possibly save someone’s life by performing CPR or hailing a paramedic … in hindsight, you probably won’t be dehydrated cos you’re smart and will be taking plenty of water and electrolytes so by the next morning, you feel like a f***ing rockstar and probably be featured on local Channel 7 News for saving a life!
Warning: You will most likely have to bail out your friend from
jail because he attempted to eat someone’s face off while tripping on bath salts.