Dear Amazon: Here’s why you should pick Miami for your new headquarters

Really? You're going to pick Newark over paradise?
Really? You're going to pick Newark over paradise?

Amazon, welcome to Miami.

Oh, wait. You haven’t chosen us yet? We’ve only made the list of top 20 possibilities as a location for your second headquarters?

No matter. You will choose us. Because who wouldn’t want to be in Miami?

We know we have issues. Many, many issues. But we’ve looked at the 19 other cities you’re considering. And though there are some nice places on there – the other contenders are Atlanta, Austin, Boston, Chicago, Columbus, Dallas, Denver, Indianapolis, Los Angeles, Montgomery County, Maryland, Nashville, Newark, New York City, northern Virginia, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Raleigh, Toronto and Washington D.C. – we can’t help but notice that we are the best choice.

Plus, your founder and CEO Jeff Bezos is a Palmetto High grad whose Cuban-born adoptive dad came to Miami as part of Operation Pedro Pan. So Bezos has already been repping the 305 for a long time.

Here’s why you will not be sorry if you choose us. By the way, we noticed you didn’t pick Tallahassee. Good move by you. We wouldn’t want to be there, either.

Our traffic is the stuff of nightmares, but suffering nobly makes you a stronger person

miami traffic bad
Hurry up and wait. Miami drivers know the drill. Don't be like Miami drivers Carl Juste MIAMI HERALD STAFF

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I think Jesus said that, or maybe it was The Rock. Anyway, because of this, those of us in Miami  can move mountains. And by mountains I mean trucks, because  occasionally we do have to literally pick them up and throw them out of our way to get home on the Palmetto. We suffer on the roads. And yes, they suffer in New York and Los Angeles, too. But you have not seen suffering till the DOT shuts down all lanes on I-95 at rush hour and drivers start inventing lanes. But you will grow used to this, like we have, and you will make peace with the fact that we will never have decent transportation options.

We are the gateway to Latin America, and that means our food options are amazing


Yes, we know Austin, Texas, has the barbecue and Philly has the cheesesteaks. Pittsburgh has pierogies and chipped ham, and Indianapolis has… well, we don’t know what Indianapolis has because who wants to go to Indianapolis? Anyway, our food is delicious. We have medianoches and empanadas and and ropa vieja and croquetas and churros and chicharrones you would slap your grandma for.  That’s not even counting stone crabs or Key lime pie or the menus of all the swanky restaurants around town. And none of our food comes with that gross Philly cheese whiz on top of it.

We have roughly four days of winter


Have you looked at a weather map recently? There’s only one place not under a winter storm warning: us. Do you have any idea how cold it is in Chicago and Boston in January? Even Raleigh, N.C., is under several feet of snow. People in Dallas are wigging out because they don’t know how to scrape ice off their windshields. Here, we’re wearing flip flops.

You can always get a ticket to a Marlins game

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Good seats still (and always) available.

We are a culture-rich environment

calle ocho
The Calle Ocho festival means food, music, dancing - and crowds.

We have all the stuff the big cities have: museums, opera, ballet, theater, art house cinemas and the biggest and most impressive book fair in the country. Plus we have the annual Calle Ocho street festival, which boasts the world’s biggest collection of halter tops and vendors selling Fidel Castro toilet paper.

The weirdest things in the world happen in Florida


You will get angry. You will get frustrated. But you will never, ever be bored. You could see a gator and a python locked in a mortal battle while you’re golfing. An iguana might pop up in your toilet. You could be in court and see a lawyer’s pants burst into flames during an arson trial. This sort of thing simply doesn’t happen in Nashville.