Miami is best in the U.S. at this naked outdoor activity. Please, put on your pants

For all who didn’t know it — and heaven knows we wish we didn’t — Miami has just been proclaimed the Naked Gardening Capital of America.

The honor, bestowed by the website LawnStarter, comes just in time for World Naked Gardening Day on May 1. We did not know World Naked Gardening Day was a thing people celebrated, like a quinces or scoring Bad Bunny tickets or the Dolphins not drafting an offensive lineman with their first pick. But apparently on May 1, shrub lovers from around the globe party by taking off their pants, putting on a smile, and endangering tender body parts by placing them in close proximity to hedge clippers.

In honor of this esteemed holiday, LawnStarter decided to find the best place to garden naked on the big day, and that place is Miami.

This is not surprising, since Miami is the best place to engage in any number of unusual activities, like smuggling exotic reptiles in body cavities or letting some guy in a Hialeah garage pump cement into your butt. For Miami, naked gardening is downright wholesome.

LawnStarter compared the 100 biggest cities in the United States against nine key metrics, including the size of the nudist population, local legality of nudity, gardener-friendliness, and probable weather on May 1. No mention was made of the proliferation of waxing salons, but we suspect that played a role, too. Miami crushes at waxing.

Miami scored high in nudist-and-gardener friendliness but came in at No. 79 out of 100 in the safety category due to the number of sex offenders living here. Think about that before you shuck off your gardening gloves.

The rest of the top 10 naked-gardening-friendly cities are as follows: Austin, Texas; Seattle, Washington (too nippy for us, but you do you, Seattle); Atlanta; Portland, Oregon; Anaheim, California; Orlando; Riverside, California; Irvine, California; Santa Ana, California. Nos. 11 and 12 are California towns, too: Long Beach and Sacramento. California is full of hippies, and all we have is the Grove. And we still came out ahead.

Still, the most disturbing trend revealed by the data is the number of nudists in Florida. Miami, Orlando and Tampa were all top four cities in terms of nudist population. This greatly increases our chances of accidentally glancing over the neighbor’s fence and witnessing sights that cannot be unseen.

So if you’re worried about that happening, move to Hialeah, which has one of the smallest nudist populations, according to the study. This could also increase your opportunities for a cheap butt lift, too.

This story was originally published April 28, 2021 at 1:36 PM.