Buy a big boat and ditch the hoodies: A Tech Bro’s guide to dating Miami women
Miami is about to be invaded by tech bros. Or so Mayor Francis Suarez hopes. But what’s going to happen when all these hoodie-wearing boy-men get here and find themselves trying to figure out how to get a Miami girl’s attention?
It’s going to get as real as being stuck on the Palmetto with no AC and a dead cellphone.
If you’re a tech bro who just moved to Miami with a Jordan Belfort attitude and Mark Zuckerberg looks … I’m here to help.
I’ve got a few tips on dating that will ONLY work in Miami.
NOT in Boca.
NOT in Ft. Lauderdale.
AND NOT in Orlando.
Do you know why, Mr. Jump Drive? You guessed it.
Those places are not Miami.
So if you want to relocate to Miami and find love as well, here’s your game plan.
Have a big boat
You know how expansion slots are a big deal for you? Same applies to the size of your boat. Will there be enough room to have a photo shoot? Better yet, is your boat a yacht? Doesn’t matter. Our cousin’s best friend’s brother has a yacht, too. Here’s the hard code: Big Boat + Miami Girl = Fun For One Month Only.
Don’t try to impress a Miami girl
The hardest flex you might have is that you invented some cool app, you’re worth over $100 million and that you own an entire floor at the Setai South Beach. Guess what? Not impressed. Our uncle is Luther Campbell. Pitbull dated one of our tias, and Gloria Estefan is our godmother. The real star of this relationship? The Miami girl you’re dating. She is the star…not you, papo.
Stop with the hoodies
Throw them all away. Your hoodies smell like Cheetos and Axe Body Spray. That’s not the data type that will win our hearts. You need to smell like a grown ass man, have a little hood swag in you and dress like one of those cute bartenders at Beaker & Gray. When you check off all those boxes, you’re good to go.
Don’t flirt with our moms
At first, you’re gonna want to run an analytics test on us. To see if everything is real? It’s real. All of it. We come from a long line of SUPER HOT moms. They’ve taught us how to make our own money, how to buy property by the age of 16 and how to out-hustle everyone. They even helped us pick out our surgeons (which we don’t need because we just told you everything is real).
Act like you love Miami
Don’t show up to our city and use us like a Publix cart wipey. If you really want our attention, help us grow our city. Invest in local businesses. Volunteer. Support local talent. Show us that you’re not here just for the tax breaks and plan to peace out by hurricane season. We need to know you’re here to grow our network topology that will add to the magic that is Miami women.
I mean, Miami.
Lucy Lopez is the host of the Power 96 Morning Show in Miami on WPOW-FM 96.5.
This story was originally published February 9, 2021 at 6:00 AM.