Miami restaurants are reopening for indoor dining. Don’t be a big idiot if you go

Unless you have been sneaking up to Broward under the cover of darkness — and maybe you have, because who can resist the siren song of Pembroke Pines? — it has been a minute since you ate inside an actual restaurant.

Maybe you sat under an umbrella on the broiling pavement at your favorite eatery’s parking lot, wilting like that salad you’re pretending to enjoy and thinking “Damn, eatery is a stupid word.” But no matter. You were trying to do right by local businesses, and all you got was heat stroke for your trouble.

After the COVID-19 pandemic shut down Miami-Dade restaurant dining rooms twice, restaurants are now reopening for indoor dining (again) on Aug. 31. You can eat out in air-conditioned comfort once again.

But it has been so long, and so much has happened. [Editor’s note: Nothing has happened. Not for months.] Do you remember how to act?

Of course you don’t. You’re from Miami, and good manners and consideration for other people do not come naturally to you. But struggling local business owners want to keep these restaurants open as long as they can. So allow us to present these reminders of how a decent person should behave when dining out during a pandemic.

Wear a mask when you’re supposed to wear a mask

Look, nobody expects you to keep it on when you’re shoveling vaca frita into your face. But while you’re sitting there waiting for the servers to bring your meal, keep it on. Also: You can order through a mask. We have heard how loud you talk over the nonstop noise at any given Miami restaurant.

Don’t wander around socializing with other tables

There is a five step process once you sit down. Order. Eat. Drink. Pay. Go. You’re not a politician on the campaign trail.

Whatever you do, do not bust out the Miami Kiss

Do not, we repeat, DO NOT kiss anybody. Not twice. Not even once. Don’t touch anything but your fork. We need to bury The Miami Kiss before it buries us.

Definitely don’t pull tables together to make one giant table

Math is hard. But the limit is six people a table, so we don’t care if you see Jorge and Marisol and their kids and Marisol’s mami from the neighborhood. If you try to have 11 people at your table someone is going to make you Instagram famous and not in a good way.

Make your kids stay in their seats

Stressed out servers don’t want to trip over them and nobody wants their grubby hands in the bread baskets. Spring for a babysitter. You’ve saved a small fortune by watching Hulu at home for six months.

Visit the restroom only in extreme emergencies

This is not the time to reapply lipstick.

Don’t get drunk just because the bars aren’t open yet

Hello! You’re not at LIV. Pop the one bottle and move on.

Tip big

Your servers are putting themselves at risk to satisfy your craving for chicken wings. This is no time to cheap out.

Don’t pose for selfies with the mayor

If you do, you’re just going to get everybody in trouble.

This story was originally published August 31, 2020 at 6:00 AM.