Drink your way through disaster: Which wine pairs best with every 2020 crisis?

It has come to our attention that life is garbage.

This is not news, of course. It has been garbage for some time. Since March, specifically, when COVID-19 upended 2020 and crushed our dreams here in Miami (and everywhere else). Add to that the annual Florida ordeal of hurricane season and crushing summer heat, online everything and the fact that our hair still looks really bad, and it adds up to one thing: We need a drink.

Happily, there is wine. Wine is sunlight held together by water, Galileo said, and he was an astronomer and physicist, so he knew what he was talking about. Science!

The best thing about sunlight held together by water is that it can smooth your way through this difficult time. But how do you know which wine pairs best with which 2020 crisis?

That’s where we come in, to guide you through the perfect pairings (and also think about wine instead of pondering if life will be worth living again some day). Here’s what to drink with every 2020 disaster.

Not one item in your closet fits anymore thanks to the COVID 15

Try a flute of sparkling Prosecco, which has slightly fewer calories than regular wine. Unless you have two glasses, which of course you will, because seriously you are not getting those jeans on without a crowbar.

Your once-toned arms jiggle like your abuela’s flan

Don’t use a glass. Fill a vase with a heavy Cabernet Sauvignon and lift it slowly to your lips. Arm curls!

You are eating an ancient frozen burrito because you’re so sick of cooking

Douse that bad boy with hot sauce and open a refreshing bottle of rosé. You won’t even notice the freezer burn.

You want to support local restaurants, but you have to sit outside and it’s 975 degrees

A chilled Albariño can cool you whether you ingest it or pour it down your cleavage.

Your favorite fall event just got canceled

The poignant complexity of Pinot Noir mirrors the deep ache of regret, anger and boredom you feel when you realize you can’t go to a game or a concert or a play or the book fair or the ballet. You can’t even go to the club.

Yet another vacation just went up in flames

A velvety Merlot will soothe the grief that comes with wasting yet another set of airline tickets.

An ex was thrown off a flight to Vegas for refusing to wear a mask – and the video has gone viral

A delicious tawny port brings out the indelible sweetness of schadenfreude.

Your kid is already failing virtual school

There’s no reason to get fancy. You knew this was going to happen back in May. Get whatever cheap California Chardonnay is on sale at CVS and glug away.

Your spouse-spouse, now also your work-spouse, finally found your last nerve and worked it good

The dark, complex beauty of a Syrah pairs perfectly with retaining an attorney.

You got furloughed again

Bust out the Veuve Clicquot you were saving for a special occasion. Special occasions are canceled. There will be nothing to celebrate for the remainder of 2020.

You just checked the tropical weather update

Just grab whatever is closest. Twist off the top. Drink deeply. Whatever it is, it’s perfect.