Don’t blow off your hand: How to avoid being the biggest idiot in Miami on 4th of July
In Miami, there is always ample opportunity to act like a fool. But the temptation is greatest on the Fourth of July, the celebration of U.S. independence and our God-given right as Americans to blow off as many damn fingers as we like.
But 2020 brings a very special sort of holiday, and by special we mean soul-suckingly awful. This year, we cannot bury our desire to mishandle dangerous explosives by holding family pool parties or beach cookouts. We cannot gather as a community in eye-melting humidity just to watch 10 minutes of fireworks that look exactly like the fireworks we saw last year and the year before that.
Nay. This year COVID-19 has removed all those options. Beaches are closed. Fireworks are mostly virtual. And because virtual fireworks are only slightly more fun than matching lids to plastic food containers, many of us will choose to create our own fireworks display to entertain ourselves instead of ordering Disney+ and watching “Hamilton” like a normal person.
Many fireworks are illegal in Miami-Dade County, but we know this will not stop you from making poor decisions. We know this because you are obviously so bored you’ve already started in with the firecrackers, and our dogs hate your guts.
You are in Miami. You will not choose wisely.
So here are some tips if you absolutely must light off fireworks at home.
Don’t drink too much
We are not averse to adult beverages, and we know you feel it is your right to get lit, especially when you are staying home for the holiday (if only because you can’t afford a boat). But a trunk full of bottle rockets and a couple of cases of PBR are generally a match made in hell.
Don’t carry fireworks in your pockets
We feel like we don’t really need to explain how this can go badly wrong, especially if your lighter is in the same pocket.
Do not blow off your thumbs
This is crucial as it is hard to play video games, text or do that stupid “this guy” joke without thumbs.
Do not blow off your fingers
Yes, we know you can get by without one or two, but do you really want to press that elevator button at your condo with your tongue? Didn’t think so. It’s not hygienic, and people get sensitive in elevators.
Do not blow off your hand
The local hospitals are already swamped taking care of approximately 3 million COVID-19 patients* so you are just going to sit there in the ER with half a hand all night.
*May not be accurate number but at the rate things are going probably is
Do not throw fireworks at people
Under no circumstances should you throw fireworks or even sparklers at another person, even if the target in question is refusing to wear a mask and may deserve to be set ablaze. If someone at your house refuses to wear a mask, take away his beer, escort him calmly from your premises and make sure he is cut out of the will. If he causes a scene, shoot video, post to Twitter and tag his boss. Social media will do the rest.
Keep a hose handy
A hose will help you douse anything that caught fire, like your lawn when you set off that Roman candle on the grass instead of in your driveway. Also you can use the hose on the guy who showed up without a mask if necessary.
After the fireworks are done, don’t fire a gun in the air
This always bears repeating. We see you, Miami.