Is Miami mentally prepared for the idea of another COVID-19 lockdown? We got this

The fear surfaces even as we try to ignore it: Will the coronavirus force Miami to shut down again?

State and local officials say no. Never! Maybe they’re right, and it won’t happen. The governor says we’re not rolling back. Local officials tell us if we wear masks all the time in public we can keep the tattered shards of our economy running. And we should listen because our officials are known for their cool heads, passionate attention to detail, making sure things run smoothly and never being part of the problem. They know all the facts, such as apparently the virus can only be transmitted after midnight.

The county is even planning to end lap dances, now that it has finally figured out you can’t socially distance and grind up on a person at the same time. No lap dances, people! This is serious.

The COVID stew is bubbling, and fate is just waiting to serve us a big, steaming bowl of it. It’s the Fourth of July holiday weekend, and if you want to watch fireworks, you have to watch them on TV. Beaches are closed from the Keys to Palm Beach. Curfews are back. So is another lockdown really outside the realm of the possible? Do we have to remind you about the lap dances?

But say it happens. There is no need to panic! We are older and wiser. Older anyway. We acquired many skills on our coronavirus journey.

Here is just some of that vital knowledge that will help us survive.

We know how soap works now

Regular old boring Irish Spring-style soap kills viruses! And here we thought we had to buy up all the hand sanitizer in the world and then when we couldn’t get it anymore, make our own from Tito’s vodka. We did not have to do this! Now we just use soap and water to wash our hands and drink the Tito’s with a little tonic. Win-win.

Anybody can make masks — and they did

Every one of your nieces and aunts plus your girlfriend’s husband’s sister made masks back in the early days, and you managed to acquire hundreds of them. You can wear a new one on every Sedano’s run and still have enough to make it through until there’s a vaccine.

No one needs 4,000 rolls of toilet paper to survive

You’ll be passing down what you already hoarded to your grandchildren.

You can get just about anything delivered to your front door

We are pretty sure Amazon Fresh will offer a lap dance option soon.

We don’t need gyms for exercise

We have these appendages called legs that will help us work up a sweat, especially as it is 9,000 degrees out. And it will be our own sweat, not the sweat of that grunting guy in the CrossFit T-shirt.

You don’t have to bake any more bread

Because [see next item].

We have become ninjas at safe shopping

Bring a list. Sanitize hands. Adjust mask. Put credit card in pocket. Grab a cart. Do not — and this is important — stand for 10 minutes in front of the display trying to figure out which brand of tuna fish you want. Grab and go. Get in line. Pay. Don’t chat. This is not a social outing. We don’t do social outings now. Flee to the safety of your car and sanitize again to kill potential rona.

We know what to do if someone acts stupid about wearing a mask

When you see one of these fools blathering about their rights/freedom/Murica, stand at least six feet away for proper social distancing, then hit “record” on your phone. Have your SoundCloud link ready and prepare for Twitter fame.

Takeout is an excellent alternative to eating in

We also know over tipping is the new tipping.

We don’t have to Zoom with a bunch of friends

You can just, like, talk on the phone to one person at a time like in the olden days.

Life as we know it continues without Lysol spray

When was the last time you saw a full bottle of Lysol? Back in your mom’s bathroom in early April? Probably. But guess what. You’re still alive. And like the majestic Monarch butterfly, one day it will return to its rightful home on the shelves.

There’s always something to watch on Netflix

“The Floor is Lava” is this month’s “Tiger King.”

We know how to fight despair

Wine.

This story was originally published July 2, 2020 at 12:43 PM.