Still hanging at your condo pool? Wandering Wynwood after curfew? You may be a covidiot
The coronavirus pandemic has taught us so many new terms just in the last few weeks: social distancing, flattening the curve, shelter in place.
Isn’t rapid-fire learning fun?
In all seriousness, before this disease made its way to the United States, most people didn’t have a clue about how to deal with a virus of this magnitude. We watched movies like “Contagion,” shuddered in the theaters, then went home back to our unsanitized homes.
But here’s another term we learned: covidiot, someone who completely ignores the advice of health officials, experts and politicians to stay in our homes, stop doing anything fun and basically wait for the next horrific news story to pop up on our timelines.
We can understand why so many of us are slow to respond, especially in Miami. We live here for a reason. But here’s how you know you are a covidiot.
You don’t respect the blue duct tape
Mayor Carlos Gimenez recently issued an order to stay six feet away from your fellow residents, as per the CDC, so listen to him. Why would you want to be any closer to any possible droplets? Stores have set up markings on their floors the instruct you on proper social distancing so STEP. BACK.
You still go to the pool or gym at your condo
On Monday, Gimenez ordered that all private gyms and pools must close. Please. There are endless fitness apps, Instagram model tutorials and even Jane Fonda VHS tapes if you get desperate. Hot? Take a cold shower. People have been doing that for centuries to, um, cool down. Bring your rubber duckie. Or a special friend.
You hang out with other covidiots
Just like mom lectured to you so many years ago, in precoronavirus times: If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump, too? So just say no when your bro calls and says let’s grab beers and walk around Wynwood to see if anyone else is ignoring this curfew.
You go to the beach
That means outside the beach, too, like where the yellow police tape is set up. We know it’s nice there, we get nature and all. But we’ve seen you, sun worshipers. Go back inside and give yourself a spray tan like someone else we know.
You lick a toilet seat
Dr. Phil regular Ava Louise thought she was gonna get famous on TikTok by engaging in this activity while on her sugar daddy’s private jet to Miami. But another dude who pulled this beyond stupid stunt in a “Coronavirus Challenge” for likes and followers tested positive. So, yeah, that.
This story was originally published March 31, 2020 at 12:49 PM.
