Have you ever thought about how much better Pitbull would be at being Santa than Santa is?
Sign Up and Save
Get six months of free digital access to the Miami Herald
We’re prepared to admit there’s something slightly unfair about this comparison. Santa has been doing a decent job for many years, and it’s unfair to expect him to compete with Miami’s favorite superhero. Especially at his age.
But we really think Mr. Worldwide could rock this job. Here are all the reasons it might be time for Santa to step aside and let Pit take over.
His suits aren’t red, but they’re nicer
Mr. Worldwide looks sharp. Santa can barely buckle his belt.
He’s more empathetic
Santa is judgmental as hell. He gives you coal if you make just one tiny bad decision, like bogarting the pastelitos your co-worker brought to the office yesterday. Pit not only knows when you’ve been good or bad, he also knows when you’re down, out, broke and fighting for your life. And he is there for you anyway because he’s been through the struggle.
Pitbull has so much energy he can deliver toys all over the world and still host a New Year’s Party one week later
Meanwhile, on NYE, Santa is home with his feet up watching Netflix with a mug of slightly spoiled eggnog and a fistful of Advil.
Pitbull is a capitalist
Santa wants to give every good girl and boy a free ride. No, Karen, you don’t have to pay for that iPhone! He’ll just give it to you. But Pitbull’s family fled the horror of communism in Cuba, so he is super pro-capitalism, which is a more sustainable economic system than subjective, behavior-based handouts.
He pays his subordinates
Do those elves even make minimum wage?
“Ho ho ho” would have a whole new meaning
He wants to give you everything tonight
Santa just gives you that one toy on a list you have to submit ahead of time. We would rather have it all.