Miami-Dade cities have dumb nicknames and slogans. We can do better.

It has come to our attention that the various slogans and nicknames of Miami-Dade cities are not, shall we say, entirely accurate. They are aspirational, maybe, but do not truly reflect the shining heart and soul of each community. So in the interest of presenting a true portrait of our fair county, we have decided to rewrite these Miami slogans and nicknames. We’ll tell you what each slogan or nickname is – and what they should be.

Is: “The City of Excellence”

Should be: “The City of Red Light Camera Infractions”

Coral Gables

Is: “The City Beautiful”

Should be: “The City Beautiful According to Our Very, Very Strict Specifications”

Doral

Is: “Live, Work, Learn and Play!”

Should be: “Live, Work, Learn, Play and Sit in Traffic”

Hialeah

Is: “City of Progress.”

Should be: “City of Progress on Building That Efficiency Without a Permit”

Homestead

Note: We were excited to learn Homestead has two slogans!

Is: “Gateway to the Everglades” and “Discover the Opportunities”

Should be: “This Is Still Pretty Much Swampland” and “We’ll Fast-Track Your Building Permits”

Kendall

Strangely, beautiful Kendall does not have a motto or nickname. It doesn’t even have an actual description. Wikipedia calls it a “census-designated place.”

Should be: “Your Mom Still Lives Here.”

Key Biscayne

Is: “Island Paradise.”

Should be: “Key West Minus the Drunks”

Medley

Is: “The Perfect Place for Industrial Development”

Should be: “Warehouses R Us”

Miami

Is: “The Magic City”

Should be: “The Enchanted Tax Shelter”

Miami Beach

Is: “The Beach.”

Should be: “The Sunken Place”

Miami Lakes

Is: “Growing Beautifully”

Should Be: “We Swear We’re Not Hialeah Gardens”

Miami Springs

Is: “At the Heart of It All!”

Should be: “We’re Right Behind the Airport.”

South Miami

Is: “The City of Pleasant Living”

Should be: “We Deserve Better Than Sunset Place”

Sunny Isles Beach

Is: “The City of Sun and Sea”

Should be: “Город Солнца и моря”

Sweetwater

Is: “Family, God, Education”

Should be: “You’re Driving to FIU, Aren’t You?”

This story was originally published June 14, 2018 at 4:06 AM.