Kendall’s majesty has been well-documented on this website. If you didn’t know about Miami’s greatest neighborhood, please read the following as a primer:
But just because Kendall is peak suburban sprawl doesn’t mean that its residents are double-fisting Pizza Hut hand-tossed pizza while sitting in bumper to bumper traffic in their minivans on Kendall Drive.
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Kendall residents want to look good at the Columbus Day Regatta just as much as anyone in Miami. At the 24 Hour Fitness in Town & Country to the LA Fitness west of the Turnpike and all the Crossfits tucked into warehouses and strip malls, Kendallites work out just as much as the beautiful people of Brickell.
If you haven’t had the pleasure of working out in a Kendall gym, let us introduce you to the people who frequent these fine establishments.
Bros who live at home
They are in their 20s, broke and still living with their mamas. The gym is the only place they can go and not spend money. Most of them are Juniors, so they can use their dad’s membership card.
The guy who grunts a lot
He is overdoing it, obviously. And with every rep, his breathing sounds really porn-y. Try not to make eye contact. It’s weird.
The make out couple
She wears a waist trainer and a full face of make up. He is spotting her at every machine, even the leg press. This is, like, a real date. At some point, he is going to give her a piggy back ride to the water fountain. Their joy is annoying.
The Instagram fitness model
She loves to do squats. She loves the thigh adductor. She makes working out look so sensual, and you feel so dirty watching her pose. Her workout consists of however many reps it takes to get her shot. She will not sweat at any point.
The guy wearing jorts
His jorts are ripped and super tight. He attended the University of Florida.
The guy in all neon
This is very specific, we know. Why is he wearing coordinating neon pink shorts with a neon pink top and headband? Because this is Kendall and no one can make him stop.
The social butterfly
This person wants to chat with you while you are on the elliptical EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE HEADPHONES ON AND SHUT UP SHUT UP GO AWAY.