Hiring a Miami handyman? Here are all the things that will definitely go wrong

Everyone in Miami has the right to judge their neighbors for not taking good care of their homes. Sagging soffits, falling fences, chipped paint all just scream that there is no pride of ownership in these parts. But here’s the truth: Most of those homeowners had every intention of fixing up their homes. They are still waiting for a handyman named Junior to show up.

Hiring a handyman in Miami will follow Murphy’s Law – everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

If you don’t believe us, here are all of the things you should know about a Miami handyman. We use the more gender conforming term “handyman” because handywomen do not follow this matrix and can be seen in Miami about as often as turn signals (not very often).

A Miami handyman has his own time zone

He’ll be there anytime between Saturday at 10 a.m. and the day before you die.

A Miami handyman thinks every other Miami handyman’s work is garbage

And he will say so to your face. Even if you are the one who re-grouted the tub.

A Miami handyman has big plans for your house

He tells you that he can paint the garage, rewire your breaker box, build some shelves for your living room and put on some base boards. Too bad you just called him to give you a quote on pressure cleaning your driveway.

He is easily bored

So you hire the guy to do all the extra work. A week later your entire garage is still in the driveway, there is a pile of wood in the living room and the breaker box has wires spilling out. It’s noon, and Junior hasn’t shown up.

He has another job

He probably works for someone else and is desperate to not work for someone else. You will see him on the weekend.

He’s gonna send some random dudes one day

Who are these randos painting your front door? Better call Junior and ask.

A Miami handyman’s work is never finished

No, literally. They won’t ever finish.

This story was originally published April 10, 2018 at 11:04 PM.