LOL

Six types of people you should avoid on Spring Break in Miami Beach

By Chloe Herring

Updated February 7, 2019 3:29 AM

Spring Break is back. (Joe Raedle/Getty Images) Joe Raedle Getty Images

Spring Break is upon us. For Miami residents, that means avoiding South Beach for an entire month. Not a terrible idea, not at all.

If you’re a local college student and/or a young adult visiting Miami, we already know you’ll be hitting up South Beach. And we get it. There’s just something about warm weather, liquor and crowds of other college kids looking for their next turn up. Fine.

But before you get here, there’s something you should know. We will not take responsibility for any of the following groups (and it’s in your best interest to be able to spot and avoid them).

A pack of more than three frat boys

John Hunt, 24, of North Carolina A&T dances with friends on South Beach. From North Carolina, to Indiana, and points in between, college students are flocking to South Florida on Friday, March 9, 2012 to celebrate that fun-in-the-sun, coming-of-age ritual known as spring break. Neither high gas prices, rising airfares nor a relatively mild winter in the Northeast and Midwest seems to be proving a deterrent to drawing revelers, industry experts say. In fact, the throngs are expected to arrive in earnest next week, with the hedonistic celebration stretching out for the remainder of March, as different colleges break for vacation. Al Diaz Miami Herald Staff

Nope. This group of unhinged day drinkers do not represent Miami at large. They’ll be hootin’ and hopping and hollering on the beach, usually between Fifth and Eighth streets, throughout Spring Break. Let them. Don’t get too close, and don’t make eye contact or you might get sucked into a too-intense drinking game or unsolicited advances.

Midwestern men

BROWARD-Wednesday-3-12-03-Bob Eighmie/Herald Staff--Spring break hits Ft. Lauderdale Beach, with hundreds of college students from around the country flocking to the land of sunshine and beaches. This is a photo of (l-r) Brandon Ross 22 from Ohio State University, Steve Schaef 24 and Matt Bryk 22, both from the University of Toledo, soaking up the sun and suds on Ft. Lauderdale beach across from Beach Place. 2 of 2 photos. Bob Eighmie/Herald Staff

Maybe they aren’t so bad in their natural habitat. But introduce them to the sun, and they get all pink and red and peeling. Poor things – except they’re not charity cases. Slip up and start a conversation with them, and next thing you know they’ve dropped out of school to propose to their new exotic love (you). Beware.

Ocean Drive hawkers

Tourist have lunch at the Waldorf Towers Hotel on a busy Ocean Drive in Miami Beach on Sunday, September 24, 2017 as the beach is back in business after Irma. C.M. GUERRERO. cmguerrero@elnuevoherald.com

OK, we admit that hawking is signature South Beach stuff even outside of Spring Break. We still want nothing to do with this. Our advice for avoiding Ocean Drive hawkers? There are two sidewalks: One adjacent to all the restaurants and hotels, and one on the other side of the street closest to the actual ocean. Stick with the latter. You won’t be bothered AND you can actually enjoy the Art Deco architecture.

Groups of drunk girls

They were fun three hours ago. Now they’re just a walking liability. These ladies can be seen stumbling down South Beach streets barefoot. They talk too loud and start fights with Uber drivers. They hug each other unnecessarily. They will hug you, too. Do you want to be hugged by a 100-pound girl who just drank a 32-ounce Call-A-Cab at Wet Willies? She is about to throw up, and she doesn’t want to do it on her girlfriends. Steer clear.

Men with immaculate eyebrows

This photo provided by Mattel shows a slim body-style Ken doll. Mattel announced Tuesday, June 20, 2017, that the company is introducing 15 new looks for the male doll, giving him new skin tones, body shapes and hair styles. The makeover is part of the toy company’s plan to make its dolls more diverse and try to appeal to today’s kids, many of whom would rather pick up an iPad than a doll. Barbie received a similar overhaul more than a year earlier. (Courtesy of Mattel via AP) AP

We don’t really know how to explain this, but it’s definitely a thing. Women, can you really trust a man with better brows than you? Eh.

READ: Mattel’s new line of Ken dolls are ALL from Miami

People who wear bathing suits everywhere

IMG_crowd04_springbreak__4_1_AHDCNFLT_L376852140 (1)

So listen, we know that you are on vacation. But if you are not at the beach or seated in the al fresco section of an Ocean Drive restaurant, you need to cover up. Even if you walk one block west to Collins Avenue, wrap a towel around your waist. The farther away from the beach, the more you need to cover up. Anyone who doesn’t know that is dangerous and should not be trusted.

This story was originally published March 15, 2018 at 8:03 AM.