Don’t be the worst person on social media with your dumb, tacky holiday posts

Dear Santa, why are  people so douchey on social media during the holidays?
Dear Santa, why are people so douchey on social media during the holidays? Miami Herald Staff

People are pretty much always annoying on social media, but during the holiday season they seem to get a little worse. So we have provided this handy guide so you can avoid aggravating friends, family and that stalker from high school you can’t seem to shake.

Here are the dos and don’ts of the social media holiday season.

DO post holiday photos and videos of:

Santa’s Enchanted Forest
You are legally required to take a million photos at Santa's Enchanted Forest

  • Holiday place settings
  • Bottles of your homemade coquito
  • Photos of the beach designed to torture northern friends, relatives and acquaintances
  • Photos of snow designed to strike envy in your southern friends, who will swiftly and happily remember they don’t have to watch that stuff turn to slush or drive on ice and wear a coat if they don’t want to
  • Light displays synced to the “Star Wars” theme

  • Fancy New Year’s Eve party attire
  • Your New Year’s Day hangover Bloody Mary
  • Your New Year’s Day workout. If you got out of bed and did it, you earned the right to be smug.

DON’T post holiday photos and videos of:

  • That expensive new car you got, especially if it has a bow on top
  • The nine million perfectly wrapped gifts under your tree
  • Your spoiled kids opening the nine million perfectly wrapped gifts that were under your tree
  • That dead, roasted pig that tasted so delicious
  • Your tofurkey. Seriously. Even vegans don’t want to see that.
  • The Elf on the Shelf, unless he is doing something porny with Barbie
  • A pre- or post-holiday Botox session
Why do you want us to loathe you?

DO announce:

  • When you’re finally sitting down to watch “Love Actually” this year
  • An engagement or pregnancy
  • That Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” is the greatest Christmas song in the history of mankind and should be played year-round
  • That you wish for peace on earth and goodwill to all men (we know you’d rather have your swimming pool refinished, but hey, ’tis the season, etc.)
  • Inside knowledge of after Christmas sales

DON’T announce

  • You’re leaving social media for the holidays and suggest everyone else do so, too. One, nobody’s going to miss you or even notice you’re gone. They’re too busy fighting over whoever Robert Mueller is indicting today. And two, what if spending time on social media is my only social intercourse in this holiday season? What if I am sick or alone  or depressed or immobile in my cold and lonely hovel with no human interaction to brighten my days, with only lukewarm gruel to eat? Maybe I just need a break from my crazy family. Or maybe social media is my last link to humanity. WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME?
  • A detailed workout plan for the New Year
  • How #blessed you are. We get it. Your life is amazing.
You can have my Facebook (and Twitter and Snapchat and Instagram and everything) when you pry it from my cold, dead brain.