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Five stupid things we saw during Miami Art Week. None of them had to do with art.

On the bright side, at least nobody tried to vandalize either of these works at the Context show.
On the bright side, at least nobody tried to vandalize either of these works at the Context show.

We expect crazy behavior during Miami Art Week. But nothing was more questionable than some of the decisions made by art patrons, many of whom we suspect are from Miami. Because Miami people – well, we’re special.

Here are some of the stupidest things we saw first hand. We were too busy staring in horror to whip out our phones and shoot video.

Dogs peeing in the galleries

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Hi. I'm a nervous little purse dog. You can put me in your bag. But should you bring me to an art show and let me pee on sculptures worth thousands of dollars? No.

Dogs are great. Dogs make life worth living. But bringing your purse dog to an indoor art show where it will almost certainly pee on the floor? No. Because we know you are not going to clean it up. We saw you, Couple With the Yappy Little Creature That Was Not a Service Dog. You were at Art Miami on Sunday. Your dog made a mess, you swanned off and left a gallery representative understandably apoplectic. Leave your pets at home, people. This isn’t Lincoln Road.

Unsupervised kids running wild

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Go bananas at the Museum of Ice Cream Miami - but only through April. Emily Michot emichot@miamiherald.com

Exposing your children to art and culture during Miami Art Week is a laudable idea. Letting a pack of 6-year-olds run around through the crowded aisles of Art Miami is something entirely different. People complain about strollers, and when a clueless parent rams one into your Achilles tendon, you can get pretty cranky. But at least the toddlers are restricted from creating havoc. You can’t put a bored first grader in a stroller (wait, can you?). Little kids are not interested in seeing Art, especially when they could be killing brain cells watching “The Amazing World of Gumball.” Listen, we know you got these Art Miami passes free. Who wants to pay for a babysitter when you don’t have to? But we’d be nervous about turning loose kids who would rather be playing Minecraft than walking calmly through a maze of extremely expensive, delicate, abstract art.

Grown-ass adults fondling the art

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Look at this giant beach ball. What kid isn't going to want to touch it? But you're an adult. Keep your hands to yourself. CARL JUSTE cjuste@miamiherald.com

You can’t blame a little kid for wanting to touch things. But adults, you have some explaining to do when you’re running your germy, grimy hands all over – let me say this again – expensive, delicate art work. Some installations welcome human interaction. Step into the big golden blob. Walk through the strands hanging from the ceiling. But don’t maul a sculpture or stab at oil paintings with greasy fingers.

Women in five-inch stilettos trying to negotiate the raggedy ass sidewalks of Wynwood

boots.
Awesome boots! But do you really want to try to navigate the raggedy ass sidewalks of Wynwood in them?

If you’re at a Art Basel-related party, then sure – bust out the Louis Vuitton pumps. You’ve got to look better than that thot. But trying to walk from installations to murals to bars in Wynwood is a dangerous path to potential ankle-snapping horror. Though it does provide hilarity for the rest of us every time you wobble.

People getting even more drunk and belligerent than usual

Rooftop Happy Hour at Townhouse
There should be a two drink maximum for open bar parties since you are going to be hitting five in one night.

Just because the booze is free does not mean you are in a frat house. We saw someone get thrown out of the Bombay Sapphire party for being drunk AF. Do you have any idea how hard that party is to get into? We’re not really sure what happened with Hannibal Buress, who was arrested and charged with disorderly intoxication. But if he was lit? He wasn’t alone.

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