We are so thankful for these Hurricane Irma relief deals, said no one in Miami
Miami is a wonderful, caring place, a benevolent, loving community that embraces everyone regardless of race, religion, culture or yearly income with respect and compassion. It is our beautiful, sunny haven.
So as you might imagine, in the wake of Hurricane Irma – after many of our neighbors have suffered and are still suffering – some businesses have thoughtfully made unselfish offers to help us survive. We truly don’t know if we could go on without them.
Here are some of the most ridiculous promotions going on in Miami, post-Irma.
By the way, if you really want to help your neighbors, here are a few ways you can.
1. Hotel deals that are helpful to no one
Because when you need sanctuary – and by ‘sanctuary’ I mean air conditioning – money is no object, so we are amped that we can get a room at a Miami Beach luxury hotel for the low low rates starting at $250 a night. Our dogs can come, too – for an extra $125.
2. Food specials that no one can afford
Listen, we’re happy to not be eating our hurricane rations anymore, because if we see another Ritz cracker we’re going to lose our minds. Pasta for $10? Now there’s a deal. But if your restaurant is offering a fixed price lunch for $39 as a part of your relief efforts, we’ll just keep eating crackers.
3. Cocktail promos to 'benefit' victims of the hurricane
Even if you pay the full $18 for a “specialty martini” promotion with the 15 percent going to help victims of the hurricane, that won’t add up to half a can of Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Soup. Just donate the entire cost of the cocktail, and we’ll order two. Lord knows we could use another drink.
4. Discounted massages
Because what I want is someone rubbing my back when it’s covered in hives from stress plus scratches from all the branches I’ve been cutting down and lugging around my yard. Also I’m going to need that $75 for a meal and a half at the fancy restaurant.
5. Free Botox (because Irma has aged us all)
Nothing prepares you for dealing with insurance adjusters and FEMA bureaucrats like a frozen, emotionless face filled with poison.
This story was originally published September 18, 2017 at 9:09 PM.