There are two tropical waves brewing in the Atlantic. Miami absolutely cannot deal.
This Atlantic hurricane season is turning out to be more than a handful, with 11 named storms, six hurricanes, three major hurricanes and more than 11 weeks remaining before the season’s end. The average for the last 30 years has been only 12 named storms, six hurricanes and three major hurricanes — and that’s for the entire hurricane season, according to weather.com.
Now, there are two tropical waves in the Atlantic Ocean. One could be named Maria if it intensifies as expected, as soon as next week. The other, which also has more than a 60 percent chance of strengthening, would be named Lee.
Well, look here, you tropical waves: I absolutely do not have the time, and neither does the rest of Miami. So just wrap things up. Quit before you get started. Tell all your tropical wave friends they have to stay the hell away. Do whatever you need to, but there absolutely cannot be another storm. Here’s why:
We're already cranky
Because while it’s peak hurricane season, it’s also September in Miami. Summer never ended, and some of us still don’t have air conditioning.
We can't f—— drive
I can’t tell you how many times I almost lost my life actually following traffic laws. Most of Miami isn’t stopping at these four-way intersections, so we don’t need hurricane force winds cutting out the traffic lights again.
No, seriously. We can't drive.
Gas stations are recuperating from the frenzy created by Hurricane Irma’s approach. Some still don’t have fuel. On the other hand, that’s one way to keep us off the roads.
Publix shelves are already empty.
Our lives have been majorly inconvenienced by this. We do not appreciate it.
Our cities are still a mess.
We pride ourselves in being the country’s tropical oasis, but we’ll be the first to admit Hurricane Irma’s got us looking a hot mess. Everyone’s still working on the pile of branches in their front yard. They’re too exhausted from near heat strokes to do anything about it.
The economy is making a comeback.
All our malls and favorite restaurants are just now starting to reopen. Stay away, hurricane season. We have bills to pay. For the love of capitalism!
Our diets are ruined.
We’ve been stress eating for a week. Just the thought of having to survive off another hurricane stash is just too much.
This story was originally published September 14, 2017 at 2:09 AM.