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5 ways Miami will save Jay Cutler from himself

Quarterback Jay Cutler talks to the media at the Miami Dolphins training facility in Davie. He does not look enthused.
Quarterback Jay Cutler talks to the media at the Miami Dolphins training facility in Davie. He does not look enthused.

The Miami Dolphins’ new QB is getting tons of shade from the internet.

Probably because he often looks displeased. Or bored. Or uninterested. 

Or perhaps because he lets his reality star wife take and post pictures of his bare behind? 

But we know for a fact that all of the issues in his life will be solved by moving to Miami, because it’s hard to be bored and disinterested in a place where they’re trying to shut us down for having too much fun. Here’s how Miami will help Cutler get his life right. 

1. Cuban coffee will help with his resting jerk face

Cuban coffee image
Preparing coffee the Miami way. Photo: Roberto Koltun for Miami.com

Hey, internet. Stop being so mean to Jay. Can’t you see he is TIRED? A colada cubana will fix this, stat.

2. A cleansing from a Babalau

Walter Mercado
Walter Mercado predicts what will happen in the world for 2019. Ramon Feliciano AP

If Jay has been cursed by one of his rivals, we can take him to our personal spiritual guide. He will charge him $100, splash him with water, and the winning will start.

3. Miami's weather

miami heat weather
Beachgoers enjoyed the sunny and hot day in South Beach as the National Weather Service issued another heat advisory for most of South Florida. According to the index, the weather should feel up to 110 degrees. PEDRO PORTAL pportal@miamiherald.com

Chicago winters will give anyone resting jerk face. Even if Cutler throws nothing but interceptions in Miami, at least he will throw them against a beautiful blue sky.

4. A real beach

Sacrifice of the Virgins 011
Bikini time at Sacrifice of the Virgins, a Miami Music Week event presented by Denial Events at Virginia Key Beach.

Sure, we may have some sewage in our water from time to time, but at least it’s an actual ocean and not some frigid lake.

5. We'll feed him better

CubanSandwich
Cuban Sandwich

Chicago is known for its weird pizza and gross bratwurst. Miami, on the hand, has Cuban sandwiches. We have already explained to our friends in Philadelphia that the Cuban sandwich is better than the Philly cheesesteak. We don’t know what Chicago’s signature sammy is, but it is probably not great.

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