Barbie got all the cool stuff: New clothes, a ton of different jobs, a dream house, cars. Ken, though, he was just a generic dude with a bad haircut and no personality (or genitalia).
He still doesn’t have the latter, but at least now Mattel has dropped a new line of Ken dolls that introduce a little bit of diversity to the collection.
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While Urban Daddy has unearthed the true identities of all of these Kens, Miami.com is confident that each one of these dolls is actually inspired by all the bros you ever met in Miami.
Here is our case:
Mattel name: Distressed Denim Ken
Mixologist Ken works at The Anderson or the Broken Shaker or some place that sells elaborate drinks that involve at least six ingredients. If not, he is angrily mixing margaritas at some tourist trap dreaming of winning a cocktail competition with his homemade simple syrup and imported Bitters.
Cabana Boy Ken
Mattel name: Super Stripes Ken
Cabana Boy Ken works at the Mondrian keeping cheapskates off the reserved lounge chairs and slapping sunscreen on the backs of hot tourists.
Weekend Drag Queen Ken
Mattel name: Tropical Vibes Ken
Peep his eyebrow game and the thick eyeliner. This Ken’s stage name is La Lola Linda because “Queef Latina” was already taken.
New World Ken
Mattel name: Classic Cool Ken
He auditioned for almost every role in “Moonlight” but didn’t make the cut. But don’t worry. This kid is going to do big things, and he will always thank Miami if he blows up.
Spring Break Ken
Mattel name: Hyped on Stripes Ken
You will catch him walking down Ocean Drive with a giant Wet Willies cup, sipping on a Call A Cab and fist pumping for no reason.
Start Up Ken
Mattel name: Chill in Check Ken
With the glasses, the nicely combed hair and that neat plaid shirt, this can’t be anyone but Start Up Ken. He hangs out at all the co-working spaces and knows everyone in every tech incubator in town. He is working on a dating app that connects people in co-working spaces with people in tech incubators.
Mattel name: Hip Hoodie Ken
A sleeveless hoodie is his preferred uniform. He has been commissioned to paint his trademarked designs resembling a woman’s behind on several of the buildings in Miami’s artsiest ‘hood. His tag name is Dirt Nap, which has a really deep origin story. You should ask him about it.
Mattel name: Color Block Cool Ken
Brickell Ken lives in a high rise, and his family has tons of money from their businesses in South America. He works at a bank, and his girlfriend is way hotter than Barbie.
Mattel name: Cali Cool Ken
He graduated from the acclaimed Catholic high school that gave us the likes of Joe Garcia, Carlos Curbelo and a bunch of Diaz de la Portillas and he still hangs with all his bros from school. He now lives in a 4,000 square-foot McMansion in West Kendall.
Justin Bieber in Miami Ken
Mattel name: Checked Style Ken
Accessories include a rented Bentley and a backpack filled with assorted bottles of alcohol. This Ken comes with an entourage that includes at least one Lawyer Ken doll.
Mattel name: In Black & White Ken
Barbie is pretty sure Equinox Ken is checking her out while she sweats on the stairmill, but maybe he is just looking at himself in the mirror?
Dolphin Mall Ken
Mattel name: Plaid on Point Ken
If you ever meet Dolphin Mall Ken, he is lugging a giant suitcase behind him that he is going to fill with discounted merch and take back to Brazil. Skintight joggers sold separately.
Mattel name: Camo Comeback Ken
Bro Ken is not really from Miami, but he goes to UM and he will probably never leave the city after graduation because he grew up in someplace terrible like Ohio.
Mattel name: Preppy Check Ken
Brunch Ken will have a tiny lap dog, and he will be drinking mimosas with three of the most beautiful Barbies you have ever seen. They are going to be talking so much trash about Bro Ken.