People in Miami-Dade don’t really get Broward. That county to the Far North is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a why the hell would anybody live way up there with no access to Navarro?
Unless you live in a border town like Aventura, you can’t imagine crossing that county line. But Broward is not so bad! We swear. It’s just like Miami except with turn signals. You can order pastelitos and go to the beach. You can get stuck in traffic or see a hockey game. You can do almost everything in Broward you can do in Miami except watch a professional basketball game and make fun of people acting like they care about art during Basel.
Broward doesn’t have Art Basel. Or the Miami Heat. Or a massive book fair. But that does not mean it is a boring, homogenous blob taking up space between Miami and Disney World. And we can prove it.
Here are all the most important facts you need to know about Broward to realize it is a very special place.
We have a tunnel!
This magical passageway transports you under the New River in Fort Lauderdale, where you will find ongoing gentrification, a bit of an identity crisis and Rocco’s Tacos.
Our public art is amazing
We may not have Art Basel, but we’ve got a two-legged Pegasus fighting some kind of glorified bat in the parking lot of Gulfstream Park in Hallandale. It cost $30 million. It is not in any way a cry for help.
We have our very own Kendall. It’s called Pembroke Pines.
A suburban sprawl I mean paradise where the opening of a new chain restaurant or mall store is reason for great celebration.
The only Piccadilly cafeteria left in South Florida is in Broward
You want carrot souffle? You must drive to Hollywood for sweet sweet goodness.
We have ventanitas
Well, we have this one in Hollywood, anyway.
The Mai Kai still exists
Can you go to a Polynesian show where dudes twirl flaming sticks in Kendall? We didn’t think so. You have to come to Fort Lauderdale.
Our traffic sucks but not as bad as Miami’s
Sure, we have I-95, but that’s our only ongoing hell dimension. We don’t have 836 or the Palmetto. We win.
You will rarely see someone in the grocery store in high heels
Flip flops are the official footwear of Broward.
We are not ashamed of our passion for jorts
You can have our jorts when you pry them from our cold, dead legs.
You can eat a bowl of ice cream bigger than your head at Jaxson’s Ice Cream Parlor
The Kitchen Sink > the croqueta cake.
Our giant guitar-shaped hotel is bigger than yours
Oh, wait. You don’t have one.
Two words: Sawgrass Mills
OK, look, we’re going to be honest here. Some of us loathe this cavernous outlet mall because we don’t have the approximately 17 hours it takes to find a bargain there. But thousands slog all the way to Sunrise just to scour the racks at J. Crew. Yes. People in Broward still shop at J. Crew.
Our farmer’s market is bigger than most Miami-Dade cities
And, as a bonus, if you visit the Yellow Green Farmer’s Market in the summer, you can definitely sweat off a couple of pounds.
When we travel we tell people we’re from Miami
What, you think anyone outside this county knows where Miramar is? Half the people in this county don’t know where Miramar is. No, we don’t have an inferiority complex. Why do you ask?
We didn’t have to pay for Marlins Park