So you just relocated to Miami and are wondering what to do next? Here are 11 things you need to make sure you do before the moving truck arrives:
1. Learn Spanish; if you don’t speak it already.
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I don’t care if you’re all: This is America! We speak English! … well, this is Miami, you better habla Espanol or you habla be outta-heaaaa, papi! Oh and get used to hearing/saying “Oye!” a lot … like a LOT!
Photo credit: Daniel Bock/For the Miami Herald
2. Hit up Enriqueta’s and order a cafecito
… because what quintessential thing will initiate you into being a true Miamian than ordering an over-loaded sugar-infested caffeine bomb over a sliding window to a woman who barely speaks English (see note #1).
Photo credit: Emily Michot/Miami Herald staff
3. Hit up the beach – any beach (Haulover, Key Biscayne, South of 5th)
… because once you live here, you will never go to the Beach ever again because the “I live in Miami. I’ll hit the Beach next weekend” excuse exists … 20 years later, when was the last time you actually went to the Beach!?!
Photo credit: C.M. Guerrero/El Nuevo Herald staff
4. Learn the back roads to avoid I-95 as much as possible.
Trust me – NW 7th Avenue might seem like it’s the “hood” (because it is) but it sure as hell beats being stuck in the parking lot of I-95 during rush hour (which is pretty much from 7 a.m. EST thru 8 p.m. EST every week day).
Photo credit: Al Diaz/Miami Herald staff
5. Pronounce Art Basel as “Bah-sell”, not the Italian herb.
This will up your cultural-cred by 10 points when the first week of December rolls around.
6. Purchase a Miami HEAT apparel – hat, sweater, jersey … whatever
… but please be aware that LeBron is a “bad word” down here. Do not even acknowledge this man’s existence, even if it’s about his acting abilities in the now DVD movie, Trainwreck. Note: “Did you check out that new Amy Schumer flick, Trainwreck – it’s hilarious. And that guy, whats-his-name, basketball player – he’s not so bad either.”
7. Lease a luxury car and pay up-the-ass a month
– because there’s really no rhyme or reason except you just have to. So that 2010 Honda CRV that you drove down from bumblef**k Ohio … yeah, burn that and get yourself a nice, baby-blue 2016 BMW 7 Series Sedan … trust me. Valet is real here, Miami. Valet can make or break your Tinder date.
I rest my case.
because in Miami, if you’re on time, you’re really 10-15 minutes early. And well, there’s no such thing as being “late” because, well, traffic, bro …
10. Say “bro”
after everything … bro.
11. Learn to love the random craziness of Miami.
Prepared to not be prepared. Throw all your plans out the window. What you thought was reality is not. Miami lives and dies by a whole set of rules that do not make any common sense in any other part of this great nation.
So just learn to love the madness and enjoy the ride.
Oye! Bienvenidos, bro!
Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments!