Get ready, Miami. Everyone wants to stay in your house because it’s cold AF up north.

Miami. This place is paradise, obviously. Anyone who complains about life here hasn’t spent a February in Michigan. But for those of us who call this place home, we inevitably become the Motel 6 for folks who need a little escape from the cold. But beware, while some people are well-trained at the house guest game, some of your visitors will make you want to book them a room, stat.

Here we will present you with the five types of guests to avoid at all cost.

1. The guest who won’t leave


Often a relative or a close childhood friend, these guests buy the cheapest one-way ticket possible and arrive with a suitcase the size of first-class steamer trunk. This guest has recently undergone some serious changes in life – a divorce, job loss, ran out of money to pay rent. When you ask how long they will be staying, be prepared for a very vague reply. You can try to remove this guest from your couch by warning them that someone else is coming to visit you soon, but be prepared for them to call your bluff.

2. The guest who has no money


This is the visitor that comes to town and lets you pay for EVERYTHING, like you are repaying some old poker debt that he is too gentlemanly to mention. This guest will not rent a car, even though you live in Doral, which is, like, not the beach. His Uber app is acting funky, can you give him a lift to Sunrise? This friend will never even reach for the bill, but every time you pay he swears he’s gonna take good care of you when you come to New York, bro. Right…

3. The guest you never see


Let’s just say this visitor is not here to see you, but you just happened to be the only free sleeping situation that they could throw together for this particular weekend. Expect them to ask you for a front door key and for them to plan to meet up with you for dinner Saturday night after they spend the day hanging out with Julissa (who is Julissa?) on her brother’s boss’ yacht. En route to dinner, they will obviously flake via text because they are still hanging out on the yacht with this Julissa person. You apparently are not yacht-worthy.

4. The guest who uses your home as a venue


This guest used to live in Miami years ago and still has plenty of friends to catch up with but your place was her preferred flop house for the weekend because you guys were besties! She will plan a rager with all her old co-workers, relatives and ex-boyfriends and you are expected to be the gracious host while she mingles with a house full of quasi-strangers. This scenario also plays out with older relatives, whereby your home becomes the venue for a “Golden Girls” reunion or a church social, complete with a game of Bingo, the cooking of lots of pungent food, maybe a relax sesh with a Telemundo novela and some very loud chatter about people you have never met.

 5. The guest who thinks you are on vacation, too


Just because we live in paradise does not mean we live in a perpetual state of sloth. We get a lot of guests so if we take off time from work to give every visitor the “Miami insider” tour, none of us will be able to pay for these places you get to stay in for free. Don’t expect us to skip work on a Tuesday because you want to go to Sawgrass Mills. Call someone else to hit the beach with you, we don’t go to the beach until it’s well over 90 degrees anyway. No, we are not going to take you to LIV on a Wednesday night. In fact, when we get home from work, why don’t you do us a favor and have some dinner on the table and a nice bottle of pinot ready for us. It’s been a long day.