Everyone knows that going out on Valentine’s Day is a rookie move. Any rock-solid couple would go out of their way to avoid Miami’s romantic hot spots on February 14th because there’s absolutely nothing sexy about being stuck in a restaurant with overdressed couples trying to get through dinner so they can just go home and bone. If you find yourself out and about in Miami this Valentine’s Day, you are likely to come across these different couples, all trying to sprinkle some romance on what is really just another day in February.
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1. The Couple that forgot it was Valentine’s Day
These couples have been dating for such a short time that they actually forget that February 14 is love’s Mardi Gras, so they make plans for a night out and, once they realize their colossal blunder, spend the entire dinner at Christy’s trying to act noncommittal. No hand-holding, no longing gazes. They will act platonic to a fault, maybe even flirt with the odd stranger, and the next day wake up wondering if they are really dating after all.
2. The Couple that gets engaged in a restaurant
The guy obviously ran out of creative proposal ideas and wanted to get this girl off the market ASAP. So maybe he makes a reservation somewhere classy, like at one of the Biltmore restos, then pulls out a ring after dessert, takes a knee and we all have to hear his dumb speech: “From the first time I laid eyes on you, I knew it was meant to be…” and watch the girl wave her hands in front of her eyes like Miss America. Or maybe he takes it a step further and has the ring sunken in a glass of champagne, or worse – does that inadvisable thing where he makes the waiter bring out the ring inside some food. Pro tip: Do not entrust your future wife’s rock to some rando.
3. The PDA Couple
There’s always that one couple going at it like rabbits standing in line at the valet outside of Mary Brickell Village. Or playing a gross game of footsie under a table with NO tablecloth. This couple can’t keep their hands off of each other and the rest of us must bear witness to their vertical dry-hump. Did they just spend the last hour sucking down oysters and stuffing their faces with chocolate and now they can’t keep it in their pants? We are all aware that dinner was just a formality before the freaky fireworks for these guys. But we were super hungry, until we saw them tonguing each other down over appetizers. Gross.
4. The couple that got into a fight before they left the house
This couple will spend the night barely speaking to each other because they have been at each other’s throats all day. They will force the poor waiter at Coya to explain all the specials in great detail, send over the sommelier, chat up the bathroom attendants, or bumrush another couple’s romantic dinner if they stumble upon any acquaintances. They just want a pleasant distraction from each other’s odious company. They may spend the entire evening staring off at the happy couples that surround them, cursing them silently. They take private inventory of their mate’s deplorable qualities over several bottles of pinot, contemplate breaking up, but then drink too much and have make-up sex when they get back home.
5. The couple with a third wheel
This poor couple has a houseguest from abroad that they couldn’t ditch at home (maybe they don’t speak English or are high maintenance) and now the man has to parade through Miami with two overdressed ladies, which makes him look like he is treating his harem to a delicious meal at Truluck’s. It’s creepy. You should have stayed home and ordered pizza.
6. The disparate Couple
It always happens in Miami: You are chowing down at The Forge then you notice this couple that just ain’t right. Your first thought: “I hope to Jesus that guy is her daddy.” Until you catch him reach around the table and put his hand on her thigh as she gazes adoringly into his cataracts. He is so much older than her that the only feasible possibility is that the guy bathes in money every night Scrooge McDuck-style and she is just hoping to get splashed just a little bit.
7. The social Couple
They are together at the table, but they are worlds apart. They stare into the screens of their smart phones oblivious to the fact that there is another human across from them. What could they possibly be doing on their phones when they are supposed to be out on a romantic date? They are probably looking at a listicle like this, thinking, “I hate those kinds of couples, too.”