Dave Barry

Dave Barry’s 8 funniest lines from the New Hampshire primaries

Dave Barry goes searching for protesters on the campaign trail

Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry goes in search of protesters in New Hampshire - the "live free or die" state - and ends up in a gaggle of passionate Ted Cruz fans.
Up Next
Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry goes in search of protesters in New Hampshire - the "live free or die" state - and ends up in a gaggle of passionate Ted Cruz fans.

Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry has been in New Hampshire covering the Republican and Democratic primaries, and avoiding cranky moose. Here is a look back at what Miami’s favorite funny man found interesting in New Hampshire.

1. Feel the Bern

“So the Democratic race is now a contest between Sanders and Clinton, who are engaged in an increasingly nasty debate over who is more progressive. Sanders seems to have the edge here, especially now that he is ending his rallies by setting fire to a live Wall Street banker.”

Read the whole column: Tinkling on Iowa: It’s the New Hampshire primaries!

2. Bad!

“On the Republican side, Ted Cruz won in Iowa. Donald Trump, who came in second, made an uncharacteristically low-key and gracious concession speech, but then the tranquilizer dart wore off and Trump fired off a series of semi-grammatical attack tweets claiming that Cruz is a liar and a fraud and by the way a Canadian who won Iowa by cheating. So he’s back in form.”

Read the whole column: Tinkling on Iowa: It’s the New Hampshire primaries!

3. Miami drivers, bro

“Somehow the snow didn’t seem to bother the New Hampshire people; they just drove calmly through it without hitting each other or sliding off the road. I was very impressed. In Miami, the drivers can’t handle rain. Their reaction is: ‘What’s this? Water falling from the SKY?? I had better take evasive action by swerving violently OH NO (BANG).’”

Read the whole column: In New Hampshire, the moose are as cranky as Bernie Sanders

4. They’re comfy!

“Sanders would take the money from Corrupt Wall Street Bankers and Greedy Corporations. This message has been resonating with Democratic voters, and it has forced Hillary Clinton to move farther and farther to the left, as evidenced by a recent town hall event where she showed up in a Che Guevara pantsuit.”

Read the whole column: In New Hampshire, the moose are as cranky as Bernie Sanders

5. Traffic jam

“As for the debate itself: The high point, without question, was the introduction of the candidates, in which the process of getting seven guys to walk out onto a stage in a specific order somehow became more complicated than the Normandy invasion.”

Read the whole column: Brain chips, porn, good food ... and, oh, yeah, the candidates

6. Is there a doctor in the house?

“The big loser in the debate, according to the pundits, was Marco Rubio, who got this one talking point lodged in his throat and kept saying it over and over, unable to stop himself, until finally Dr. Ben Carson gave him the Heimlich maneuver, sending the talking point flopping onto the stage, where Chris Christie stomped on it.”

Read the whole column: Brain chips, porn, good food ... and, oh, yeah, the candidates

7. #RobotRubio

“Rubio, who is battling for second place here, has been under fire from his opponents for allegedly being robotic and repeating the same programmed speech modules over and over. But he did pretty well in his remarks at the watch party, once his handlers installed fresh batteries.”

Read the whole column: In New Hampshire, there's populism in the water supply!

8. America’s game

“I wound up watching the Super Bowl at my hotel, which has beer. It’s also where the Chris Christie campaign is housed. I haven’t seen the governor yet, but I have bumped into his pizza-delivery forklift.”

Read the whole column: In New Hampshire, there's populism in the water supply!

Related stories from Miami Herald

  Comments