Last July, when a group of Danish researchers announced that men have an average of four billion more brain cells apiece than women, a lot of us guys decided to celebrate this affirmation of our superior intelligence by spending a couple of months drinking beer and throwing furniture off the tops of buildings to see what happened to it.
But now we return to find that many women have been ridiculing the Danish discovery. These women have been saying that, OK, maybe males have more brain cells, but it doesn't matter, because males never use their brains to think about anything besides sex.
This is not true! Males are perfectly capable of thinking about other topics, as is shown by the following conversation, which was recorded on a cockpit voice recorder just before a recent airplane crash:
PILOT: I'll tell you what, that flight attendant has a major pair of . . . Whoa! Looks like engine No. 1 has stopped working!
CO-PILOT: Whoa! So have engines No. 2, 3 and 4!
PILOT: Whoa! (Pause.) So, how about those 49ers?
Another thing I wish to point out is that when men appear to not be thinking, they often ARE thinking, but it's about some issue that women would not understand. For example, back in July there was a widely publicized incident in which an elderly couple set out from their home in Kenilworth, N.J., to drive to a doctor's office 2.8 miles away, with the man of course at the wheel. They were located more than 24 hours later, after having driven an estimated 800 miles through an estimated three states. We all know why this happened. According to the Associated Press story, the man ``refused to ask directions during the entire trip.''
Of course you women are laughing about this. For years you have made fun of us men for refusing to ask directions. But did it ever occur to you that we have a REASON? Did it ever occur to you that, with our four billion extra brain cells, we might be thinking about something that YOU DON'T KNOW?? That something is this: Under the Rules of Guy Conduct, if you're a guy driving a car, and you don't know how to get where you're going, and you pull over to ask another guy, and he DOES know, then he is legally entitled to TAKE YOUR WOMAN! Yes! He can just lean through the window and grab her! That's what the elderly Kenilworth, N.J., guy was trying to prevent, and YOU WOMEN LAUGHED AT HIM! I bet you feel silly now!
And here's something else to consider: When guys are not using their extra brain cells to protect their loved ones by refusing to ask directions, they are thinking up important new ways to advance human society, such as Big Gun Radio-Controlled Warship Combat.
I am not making Big Gun Radio-Controlled Warship Combat up. This is a hobby wherein guys build large, elaborate models of World War II-era fighting ships -- some of them six feet long -- equipped with radio-controlled motors and C02-powered cannons that shoot ball bearings. The guys then go out to a pond somewhere to maneuver their ships around and try to sink their opponents' ships by shooting them; when ships are sunk, they're retrieved from the water, repaired, and put back into action.
We are not talking about a casual pastime, here. We are talking about an all-out, totally obsessive guy effort involving clubs, bylaws, an international sanctioning body and many pages of detailed rules and specifications. We are talking about model ships that can cost over $1,000. We are talking about guys spending entire weekends engaging in serious pond action, repeatedly sinking and re-floating their ships.
I'm sure many of you women out there are snickering at this. You're saying: ``Why go to all that trouble? Why not just stay home and whack your model ship with a hammer?''
This is the problem with being a few billion brain cells short: You cannot grasp the essential significance of an activity such as Big Gun Radio-Controlled Warship Combat. I believe this significance was best expressed by Al Boyer, the alert reader who told me about this activity, and who was able, thanks to his large, highly analytical male brain, to pinpoint precisely the quality that defines it: ``C-O-O-O-L.''
I spoke with Phil Sensibaugh, who belongs to the largest warship combat club in the world, which is located, as you might expect, in Albion, Ind., where Phil has a private pond. Phil told me that when you build a ship, you have to decide whether you want to be on the Allied side, or the Axis side. He also said that, during battles, there's a lot of trash-talking between the two sides on the pond banks. For example, according to Phil, if a guy takes a shot at your ship, you might say, ``Nice talking, you Axis dog!'' Phil also said that he's had guys bring ships from as far away as California to fight on his pond.
``A lot of people think this is totally insane,'' he noted.
Not me. I think high heels are insane; I think Big Gun Radio-Controlled Warship Combat is one of the most important advances in guy thinking since the potato gun. To find out more about it, you can check the Internet site at http://www.pacificnet.net/~rkehr/big-gun1.htm. If you don't know how to get on the Internet, my advice is: Whatever you do, don't ask directions.