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Gardening in the nude? Nowhere better than Miami

Miami ranks No. 1 for naked gardening.
Miami ranks No. 1 for naked gardening. Miami Herald File

Hearing Miami ranked No. 1 in naked beaches wouldn’t make you drop your drawers in surprise. Hearing Miami ranked No. 1 in near-naked people working in usually more conservatively clothed jobs wouldn’t blow up anybody’s skirt.

How about hearing Miami ranks as the best place to celebrate Saturday’s World Naked Gardening Day? Does that perk up your petunias?

And to think this ranking has nothing to do with the aesthetics of the beautiful people here. No, those at the blog LawnStarter assigned with concocting such rankings in advance of Saturday’s 12th annual event used empirical data from May: average high temperature; average percentage of sunshine; average rainfall; average afternoon humidity; average number of cloudy days; and average wind speed. Each number was measured against ideals of 75 degrees, 100 percent sunshine, no rainfall, 45 percent afternoon humidity, zero cloudy days, 5 mph wind (which LawnStarter called a “light breeze.). All elements counted equally in the final score.

Miami’s average high of 87 degrees, 72 percent sunshine, 5.3 inches of rain, 62 percent afternoon humidity, nine cloudy days, and 9.2 mph average wind speed added up to 4,206, a fat 199 ahead of second place Oklahoma City. Dallas came in third, Memphis in fourth, Kansas City in fifth.

But gardening naked can come with a danger element that exceeds even cooking bacon naked.

“Any sharp gardening tools probably should be avoided,” said Ryan Farley, co-founder and chief operating officer of LawnStarter. “Can you imagine going to the ER and trying to explain a gardening-tool injury you suffered on World Naked Gardening Day? Ouch!”

One thing not taken into account with the rankings is Miami’s density. Whether you want to credit it to togetherness or developer greed, many Miami-area homes lack side yards, have front yards big enough for a wrestling mat, and backyards with mother-in-law houses containing actual mothers-in-law.

How much foliage does Farley suggest.

”The protective foliage or fencing depends on how well you know your neighbors,” he said. “If your neighbors are pretty easygoing, then you might not even need any protective foliage or fencing. If your neighbors are more on the conservative side, we'd recommend tall fencing or foliage — the more, the better. The last thing you want is to have the cops show up when you're in your birthday suit.”

David J. Neal: 305-376-3559, @DavidJNeal

Top 5 reasons not to garden naked

1. Zika: All cases thus far have been travel related. Do you really want to roll the dice for better green beans?

2. Bugs: Oh, you think beach sand gets in incomprehensible places?

3, Pointy plants: Aloe. Cactus. If you’re lucky, you’ll get poked in the leg. If not lucky...OWWWW.

4, Modest abuelas: Your parents didn’t even tell her about your Judy Blume books and you want her to deal with you in the altogether?

5, You: How long has it been since you’ve been to the gym?