How to navigate step-parenthood. Hint: Create new family traditions.
Families are complicated, even in the best of times. Add in step-parenthood and you’ve got an additional challenge. Unfortunately, there are no clear-cut rules on how to navigate your new role as each family is different.
What may work with one kid may not work for another. And, of course, the age of the child — and the details of the divorce (amicable or not?) — come into play, leaving you with a virtual minefield of concerns and expectations.
Still, by following certain guidelines, you can ease the transition into step-parenthood and make sure you and your stepchildren build an authentic relationship.
Define your new role. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page over your new responsibilities. For example, are you actively involved with your stepchildren’s education? Their activities? What about discipline? Everyone’s roles shift when you create a stepfamily — you need to be clear about yours.
Listen. Children want to know they have a voice and that they’ve been heard. Adults who genuinely listen and care — even if what they say is not what you want to hear — will earn the respect needed for (eventual) family harmony.
Be patient. It may take time for your stepchildren to adjust to you (and you to them). Continue to make efforts to connect with them but realize it will not happen overnight.
Set family meetings. With all the changes going on, it’s important to create a weekly opportunity where everyone can express their feelings. These meetings strengthen communication and establish new norms to promote a feeling of togetherness.
Create family history. Start new traditions and rituals like a Friday night game night or Sunday breakfast where a different kid gets to pick (and help prepare) the menu. This will lay the foundation of a new sense of family.
Spend individual time with each child. It can be as simple as driving someone to soccer practice or picking them up from a play date. At home, you can clean up the kitchen together or walk the dog with your stepchildren. Setting aside one-on-one time makes kids feel valued and shows that you care.
Nurture your marriage. While it’s important to keep the kids happy, it’s also important to set aside time for you and your spouse. He or she is the reason you got into step-parenting to begin with; make sure you honor that.
K. Lori Hanson, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and chief of research, evaluation and strategic planning at The Children’s Trust, has more than 20 years’ experience assessing critical data and community research regarding the needs of children and families. For more information, visit thechildrenstrust.org.