How to react if your child curses or calls someone a bad name

We’ve all done it: Cursed in front of our kids, then worried (and felt guilty!) about how exposing them to foul language will affect them and their behavior moving forward. The good news is that the topic of cursing and your children is really a conversation about language and the power of words.

As long as you’re realistic and acknowledge that expletives happen, even with the most mild-mannered child, you’ll be able to work through it. Most important is helping kids filter what’s appropriate and what’s not. Here’s how:

Be a role model. When young kids swear, it’s likely because they’re repeating what they’ve heard. Children mimic what you say. It’s all part of flexing their verbal skills. With older children, the swearing may be a result of trying to be cool, or as a way to get your attention. Either way, if you don’t want them cursing, cut down yourself. Become more aware by starting a curse jar (where you pay a fine for transgressions) and hold yourself accountable. And when you slip and say something bad? Apologize. This sets a good example.

Don’t overreact. Your reaction is what fuels the fire. If you make a fuss when your child says something nasty, there’s a good chance that behavior will happen again. Kids quickly learn what gets under your skin. Instead, stay calm and explain why using such words are inappropriate, taking your child’s age into consideration. Young children often don’t know swear words are bad so if you ignore what they said, they (most likely) won’t say it again.

Set clear rules. Define the words you consider unacceptable and make it clear those words won’t be tolerated. Then, if the line is crossed, make sure there are consequences, keeping in mind the situation and age of your child. Calling someone a bad name, for example, can be more hurtful than swearing. While both should be discouraged, consider a time out, suspension of privileges or grounding.

Know your audience. Yelling out an expletive when you stub your toe may be fine to do at your house but not at Grandma’s. Similarly, it’s not something to blurt out at camp or school or at the check-out line at the grocery store. Discuss how using certain words with friends or in the solitude (and comfort) of their room at home can be okay in small doses but explain that every family has different rules and that they should be cognizant of what company they’re in before speaking.

Discuss the power of words. Words like “jerk,” “idiot” or the dreaded “b-word” sting and can ruin relationships. Just as it’s not okay to hit someone or bully them, kids need to be taught that it’s wrong to use negative speak and that such words can be painful. Explain to them, too, how words used to target someone’s race, religion, and gender is referred to as hate speech and can have major ramifications.

Role play situations where they are called nasty names and talk about how that makes them feel. You can also take situations from TV and movies when a character reacts inappropriately and discuss better ways for handling such situations.

Limit exposure. There’s a lot of inappropriate language online and in the media so you’ll want to review games and shows before you expose them to your children. The younger they are, the more control you’ll want.

Offer alternatives. Come up with other ideas for less offensive swear words such as “fudge,” “nuts,” or “darn” and set a higher standard by following that example yourself. Make it fun by asking kids to come up with their own expressions.

K. Lori Hanson, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and chief of research, evaluation and strategic planning at The Children’s Trust, has more than 20 years’ experience assessing critical data and community research regarding the needs of children and families. For more information, visit thechildrenstrust.org.

This story was originally published July 31, 2019 at 6:15 AM.