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The (Not Really) One Million Moms

If you're going to call yourselves One Million Moms and summon the collective power of baby-making women, at least do it for something worthwhile, like lowering the unemployment rate or finding a cure for cancer or feeding Macaulay Culkin.

Instead, the organization One Million Moms is lobbying JCPenney to fire its new spokesperson, squeaky-clean-lesbian-talk-show-host Ellen DeGeneres, because she "is not a true representation of the type of families that shop at their store."

An online project of the "conservative, pro-family" American Family Association, One Million Moms has urged members to call their local JCPenney stores to complain.

Sigh. There are plenty of reasons to rag on JCPenney – a propensity for polyester and their men's IZOD sweater vests for starters – but humble, self-effacing, clean comedian Ellen is not one of them.

Now I'll have to root through those crowded racks to find something just to show my support for JCP CEO Ron Johnson, who says the store is sticking with Ellen because the two share such common values as kindness, honesty, equality and compassion.

This isn't the first stand One Million Moms have taken. In their effort to make the world a better place, the moms have campaigned against Macy's because it used a tiny picture of a cake with two grooms as its topper in a recent catalog spread, against Hanesbrands Inc. for advertising on the TV show Glee and against Ben & Jerry's for naming an ice cream flavor "Schweddy Balls."

Now they want to destroy Dory from Finding Nemo.

Who are these women – and why do they think it's OK to bash gay people?

I am concerned about the future of our country, not just because these moms are raising their kids in an atmosphere of intolerance, but because they're also probably helping their children with their math homework.

"One Million" Moms actually has only 44,113 followers on Facebook. ("They're rounding to the nearest million and I get that," Ellen said on her show last week)

Guess how many FB fans their brother organization, One Million Dads, has? Three.

That may have something to do with the fact that the biggest causes these dads have taken up are the fight to end profanity in televised NASCAR races and the sale of Playboy magazine at 7-Eleven. For their safety, I am not repeating these three men's names, which can be found here.

It's not just the crazy math and the misrepresentation that bothers me – it's that these women are wasting all their energy on being mean and stupid. If you're going to get outraged about something, why not let it be the love fest for women-beater Chris Brown at the Grammys?

You know you're in the extreme minority when both Bill O'Reilly of Fox News and shock jock Howard Stern come out against your cause, calling it a "witch hunt" and "bigotry."

There is now a FB page called "1 Million People Who Support Ellen for JC Penney." With 172,618 fans, its numbers have surpassed the (Not Really) One Million Moms' membership.

Of course, there are so many more moms out there – the U.S. Census estimates that there are, at last count, 85.4 million mothers in this country – with a diverse range of views and ideas. You can't brushstroke an entire gender.

But if there's a cause that can unite most moms, it's one that puts an end to hate (and maybe schweddy balls).