It’s about time: The ultimate hack to finding yourself at ‘happily ever after’
Bestowing wishes of happiness is inherent in our culture. Since childhood, having a happy birthday was surely indicative of the wonderful year to follow. As bubbly as our champagne, we toast to a new year filled with happiness and hope. Store windows, greeting cards and commercials all remind us to have happy holidays, as if we might ever forget.
Society is seemingly obsessed with the idea of being happy. Sparking joy, chasing happiness, following our bliss. We might be learning to choose joy, trying simple hacks to increase the happiness in our lives. As we continue to build new habits and break with old thinking, it was time to explore some of the science and psychology behind this elusive emotion. The pursuit of happiness, as it were.
This research led me to a tenured PhD with 30 years’ of experience in lecturing, writing and studying about the topic of happiness. Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar teaches one of the most popular courses ever taught at Harvard. Humbly titled, Happiness 101, the course is grounded in the field of Positive Psychology.
Author, lecturer, professor and father, Dr. Tal is incredibly approachable. Well-caffeinated for our chat, I bubble over with rapid-fire questions. Quite simply, he proposes we can indeed learn to be happy.
My first question, after asking how he wished to be addressed (Tal is fine, he assures me) is, can we be happy during a global pandemic? With so much going on in our lives and in the world, is this even attainable? Without pause, Dr. Tal suggests that being happy is not a binary concept, not just a zero or a one. Not an “either or” statement. He explains that happiness resides on a continuum, on a line. That while we strive to be ultimately happy, we can always feel better than we did yesterday, last month or last year. Not just happy, but happier. He emphasizes the ending sound; I picture it spelled as, happy-er.
This idea intrigues me. The concept of happiness always seemed to be something we were either in possession of or hotly pursuing. It was something we strived for, like our goal weight, a college degree, the amount of money we wanted to earn. We strive to be thinner, richer, smarter. But we say, “I want to be happy”. Not “happier”. As if being happiness were a destination. We have been taught to believe we are either happily ever after, or not.
To help internalize his idea of this happiness continuum, I pictured a thermometer, each mark incrementally marching in opposite directions. Arguments over the AC remind us there isn’t one perfect setting for everyone. Perhaps our level of happiness, like temperature, was just as subjective and variable. Happiness is limitless. We can try to feel cooler or warmer. We can try to be happy-er.
THE JOURNEY TO JOY
Dr. Tal also shared what he calls, Resilience 2.0. He proposes that stress can actually make us stronger than before. He points out that lifting weights breaks down muscle fibers, causing those muscles in turn to strengthen and grow. Resilience 2.0 is the idea that we can bounce back higher, stronger and better than before that hardship. He refers to this as, anti-fragility. I like this reframing, becoming truer, distilled versions of ourselves, as dense and enduring as the stars.
On this path to being what I call being happy-er, he suggests a daily regimen: exercise, nasal-breathing, meditation, reflection. These small habits take so much time but reward us richly. He shared one last thought, the word for giving in his native Hebrew, natan. Dr Tal spells the word for me, highlighting that it is also a palindrome, because in giving happiness, one also receives it. I realize just listening to Dr. Tal makes me happy-er.
Seeking additional wisdom, I watch a lecture he shares with me. In this video from 2013, Dr. Tal talks about a certain currency of happiness, the number one predictor of well-being. The ultimate happiness hack.
That currency, that predictor of whether are happy or not, is time. Specifically, time spent with people we care about and who care about us. Time spent focusing on our most beloved, not distracted by phones and demands. I am struck by the incredible timeliness of his words from years ago. Without the daily distractions of commutes, needless errands to run, or even in losing jobs, many of us have more time than we have had in recent memory. Time is the ultimate symbol of affluence. It is a gift. Let’s reframe this time, to try or learn something new. To truly spend time without distractions with our loved ones. To create and be productive. Or to simply savor and indulge. Dare to be happy-er at this time.
This story was originally published August 25, 2020 at 4:53 PM.