For those of us who rely on on the GPS app Waze to avoid Miami’s traffic disasters, the ride just got a lot smoother thanks to the vocal stylings of Morgan Freeman, who, along with Colonel Sanders (aka SNL alum Darrell Hammond) is now one of the voice options. That got us thinking: Whom we would really want to help us navigate the mean streets of Miami? We decided we need some locals. Here are our picks:
1. Dwyane Wade: The Heat star would begin every navigation with “Welcome to Wade County.” And you will feel proud.
2. Deco Drive’s Shireen Sandoval and Lynn Martinez: Obviously, they would have to take turns, but Shireen could program stops at some of her favorite shopping haunts along the route. And maybe we could convince Louis Aguirre to make a cameo so that he and Lynn can give us some of their vintage snarky banter we loved so much; e.g. “Don’t listen to Lynn, make a left.” “Go back to Hollywood, Louis.”
3. Luther Campbell: His narration has to be done hype-man style with a Miami Bass beat underneath, so the app must immediately begin production of several bass-heavy background beats.
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4. Pitbull: Who else is going to get us around like the 305 better than Mr. 305 himself? This setting must be in perfect Spanglish. “Oye, mami. Right here, a la izquierda. Dale.”
5. Tomás Regalado: Yes, he is the mayor of Miami and all, but Tomasito used to be a broadcast journalist on Spanish Broadcasting System, so he has the announcer voice down to a science. Regalado should also know where all the red light cameras are so you don’t get those pesky tickets in the mail.