Super Bowl Week’s Halftime Show Press Conference was held on Thursday and featured Sunday’s featured performer, Katy Perry, who reportedly will arrive to and leave the stage by a method never before seen — something she called “very spectacular … never been done before.”
Smirk, parlaying inside information, has placed a 1,000-to-1 bet on “medieval catapult.”
I kid, but, seriously, “The halftime show is even more anticipated each year than the game itself,” according to a statement from the National Association of Halftime Show Producers.
I actually like Perry, who appeared Thursday wearing a cheerleader-y outfit with two footballs across her chest. She was funny. Also, topical.
“I can assure everyone that nothing in my performance will be deflated,” she said. Then, later: “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” Which she repeated, Marshawn-like.
Perry did indicate there will some pre-recorded vocals Sunday by saying, “A lot of it will be live.” Her answer to the next question was unfortunately cut short when the tape skipped on Katy’s lip-synched answer.
Both Perry and national anthem performer Idina Menzel are rooting for the Seahawks. Said Menzel: “Because I’m a New Yorker, I cannot in good conscience root for the Patriots.” Perry, it turns out, is friends with Seattle QB Russell Wilson.
Perry said her halftime guest performers would include Lenny Kravitz and an unnamed, surprise female artist she described as a “throwback,” adding, “Jaws will drop and faces will melt.”
(What a horrible visual. Like something out of a Stephen King nightmare).
Perry is to perform for exactly 12 and a half minutes.
It will only seem longer.
▪ Marshawn Lynch speaks! Sort of. The surly Seahawk lectured the media for a minute or so Thursday in a mini-diatribe that set a record for most times using the word “y’all” in one sentence. And THEN didn’t answer questions.
▪ A fire alarm at their team hotel awakened the Patriots at 2 a.m. Thursday — the second time in three days that has happened. Smirk cannot confirm Rob Gronkowski accidentally tripped the alarm stumbling in after a night of curfew-busting partying.
▪ Bill Belichick and Pete Carroll will conduct the annual Head Coaches Press Conference on Friday in an epic duel to determine which naturally off-putting coach will be even more unlikable than the other.
▪ Two additions to the Super Bowl injury report: Patriots QB Tom Brady (cold) and Seahawks CB Richard Sherman (inflated ego). Both are probable.
▪ Sherman did not rule out missing the Super Bowl to attend the birth of his first child, thereby presenting the possibility the baby may grow up to be the least popular person in the history of Seattle.
▪ A sentence Smirk has never before written in his long and checkered career: “The FAA is warning fans attending Sunday’s game to leave their drones at home.”
▪ A lion named Vulcan at the Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City forecast a Patriots victory — take THAT, Katy Perry! — by his choice of two papier-mâché helmets Thursday. Eli the orangutan previously did the honors for the zoo but died in September after picking seven consecutive winners. Which explains the throng of degenerate gamblers camped at Eli’s gravesite attempting a séance.
▪ Members of the NFL medical community were available at a Health & Safety Press Conference for the media on Thursday, attended by three raptly interested medical writers and 145 snoring sports writers.
▪ The sisters of the Our Lady of Guadalupe Monastery in Glendale, Arizona, are renting out rooms in the convent for $300 a night during Super Bowl Week. No smoking, foul language or drinking is allowed. PAR-TAY!
▪ This SB Week has been about deflation (of footballs). Now here’s some inflation: The face value of the first Super Bowl tickets in January 1967 was $6-$12. The secondary-market cost of tickets to Sunday’s game has topped $7,000.
▪ The NFL is warning consumers about counterfeit merchandise. One tip: If the apparel bears no Super Bowl XLIX, Patriots or Seahawks logo and instead looks like a plain, used Members Only jacket … steer clear!
▪ Finally, the National Chicken Council estimates that 1.25 billion wings will be eaten during the Super Bowl. And that’s just at Smirk’s house!