From Florida's Python Challenge to the candidates most likely to get us into World War III, Dave Barry and Carl Hiaasen lobbed a few choice zingers about the 2016 presidential campaign Tuesday night at the Miracle Theater in Coral Gables.
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Here are nine ways Barry and Hiaasen would remake the campaign — and, no, we’re not making this up!
▪ “This is the weirdest presidential election campaign anybody has ever seen," Barry said, noting a CNN story about Donald Trump brushing aside comments from Marco Rubio about the size of his hands. Hiaasen: “Where do you start with that?"
▪ Hiaasen on the Donald: “It's like someone put a Muppet in the microwave.’’
▪ Hiaasen on Gov. Rick Scott quashing efforts to restore felons’ voting rights: “Who is more qualified to vote on politicians in Florida than convicted felons? These are the most informed voters we have.”
▪ Barry on Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders: “Bernie is very angry at everything. He’s “extremely popular with people who probably never had a job." On Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton: "She scares the s--t out of me."
▪ The two diverted to Florida's Python Challenge. Said Barry: “Only Florida would have thought of it!"
▪ On the world order: Said Hiaasen: “Who is the least likely to get us into World War III?” (Rubio, on the Republican side; Clinton and Sanders on the Democratic side.)
▪ Hiaasen on a global worldview: Trump “couldn't find Syria with a GPS. He is truly one of the most intellectually lazy human beings that has ever run for president.” (Tell us how you really feel, Carl.)
▪ Barry's platform: Death penalty for anyone who made Americans use low-flow toilets.
▪ Hiaasen's platform: "Imprison the Kardashian family."
Their solution for salvaging the 2016 presidential race: They’ll run. Dave as prez, Carl as VP.