Greg Cote

Barack Obama better watch out with Don Shula in the house

The Perfect Season Dolphins will be honored by President Barack Obama on Tuesday with the White House ceremony they never got 41 years earlier.

I worry about all the acrimonious partisanship in Washington now, though. I hear Republican lawmakers, denied equal time Tuesday to counter the president, are planning a filibuster to argue the ’72 Dolphins should not be honored. (I also hear members of the Tea Party now claim that season’s “supposed” 17-0 record is “the biggest hoax since the moon landing.”)

I just saw betting lines on the visit. It’s 2-to-1 odds that Obama will quip how his winning back-to-back terms was not as impressive as Miami winning back-to-back Super Bowls. It’s more likely — even odds — that Mercury Morris will snatch the microphone from Obama and start rapping.

Have not seen a line on this yet, but I think there’s also a pretty good chance a daydreaming Don Shula will at some point channel the hard-nosed coach he was in ’72 and force the president to run wind sprints.


Dwyane Wade

said this week he has no plans to leave in free agency after this coming season, while an ESPN survey called

LeBron James

an overwhelming favorite to be MVP again. The Heat are so good, they even dominate the offseason!


Caleb Sturgis

won the Dolphins placekicking job over incumbent

Dan Carpenter

, thus becoming the most prominent “Caleb” since Biblical times.


John Offerdahl

was revealed as the next member of the Dolphins’ Honor Roll. Offerdahl will be the first defender honored who made more bagels than tackles.

• The NFL has approved random testing for human growth hormone. “I’m glad it’s random,” said the 640-pound tackle whose neck is wider than his ears.

• Linebacker

James Harrison

complained about HBO’s

Hard Knocks

cameras being at Bengals camp, because Harrison is happiest when complaining.

• The Phillies fired

Charlie Manuel

, their longtime manager. Manuel was best known for appearing to be 100 years old as he labored up the dugout steps and ambled slowly to the mound.

• The Marlins’

Justin Ruggiano

finally ended his near-record hitless streak. For 42 at-bats in a row, Justin had the same number of hits as your cat, Fluffster.

• MLB agreed to expand instant replay starting next year, including manager challenges. Great. The games aren’t long enough, right? The 2014 season is now projected to end in early 2016.


Manny Ramirez

, 41, was released from his Rangers minor-league contract. No more Manny Being Manny. Time for Manny Being Something Other Than a Ballplayer.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi addressed Nick Saban’s champion Alabama team. I assume he passed along tips on how not to live up to high expectations.

• Fort Lauderdale St. Thomas Aquinas grad

Jason Dufner

won the PGA Championship last week. (I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s the major the other three majors make fun of.)

• The U.S. men’s soccer team won its 12th consecutive international match, 4-3 over Bosnia-Herzegovina. In its next game, the United States hopes to pick on someone its own size.

• FIU men’s basketball, after posting its first winning season in 13 years, is on a 10-day, three-game tour of Spain. They know how to reward success over there at FIU, don’t they?


Usain Bolt

won the 100 meters at the world track championships in Moscow. Bolt continues to deny he uses any PEDs, but has admitted to using discreetly hidden jet packs.

Ricky Williams is new running backs coach at University of the Incarnate Word in San Antonio. Not sure if his unit will lead the conference in rushing, but I bet they lead the league in the munchies.

• New reports indicate friends of

Alex Rodriguez

leaked info that led to

Ryan Braun’s

suspension for PEDs. So it’s a close call now who’s lower: Cheatin’ A-Rod or his rattin’ buddies.

• As the U.S. opens nears,

Maria Sharapova


Jimmy Connors

after only one month and one match as her coach. In sympathy,

John McEnroe

exclaimed, “You cannot be [bleepin’] serious!”

• My football fantasy draft is next week. I’m thinking either

Tim Tebow


Aaron Hernandez

in the first round.


Bernie Kosar

is not backing down from his on-air criticism that angered Rams coach

Jeff Fisher.

I thought analysts were supposed to be honest. But apparently not



I Googled the phrase “unfounded optimism” and saw that Dale Earnhardt Jr., who has won only two races since 2007 and none in more than a year, predicted a victory was imminent.

• Gators basketball coach Billy Donovan said he’ll give a tryout to Zach Hodskins, a one-armed player who became a YouTube sensation. Donovan says Hodskins can do it all, other than clapping.

• UM’s

Corn Elder

plans to play both football and basketball. Not sure if he can do both. I just like writing the name “Corn Elder.”

• In women’s golf, the Solheim Cup is underway. I doubt if even Solheim cares.

• The rock group KISS has bought an Arena Football League team in Los Angeles. Not sure if the team will win, but I’d expect its players will lead the league in facepaint and eight-inch heels.

• Bet I can make you feel old in one sentence: This week marked 36 years since


died, and 44 years since Woodstock.

• NASCAR teamed with actress Alyssa Milano to create a line of fashionable apparel for women race fans. What, you’ve never seen a sequined Confederate flag before?

• Retired NASCAR driver

Kyle Petty


Danica Patrick

“can go fast, but she can’t race.” Hmm. Kyle, you won only eight races in 829 starts over 30 years. Quiet, please.

• The Calder-Gulfstream keeps escalating. The other day I saw armies of jockeys from both tracks on horseback, jousting.

• The Harlem Globetrotters exhibition basketball franchise is for sale. Assets include a pail that you think is full of water but actually only contains confetti!

• The Association of Nigerian Prostitutes has offered free sex to the national soccer team for winning the African Cup. I dunno. I feel like that association would have interesting board meetings.

• NFL plans to place cameras inside locker rooms and start airing video to fans at stadiums. It will be a good idea until the moment a horrified crowd is accidentally shown a 365-pound guard with no pants.


Parting thought:

I read there is a book the size of a ladybug (seriously) that can only be read with a microscope. I hear it contains all the names of people who still like A-Rod.

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