Thankfully, elections officials leave sports alone

Why is it always us? How is it the state of Florida always seems to become the butt of jokes when it comes to major elections and counting votes?

No different in the recent presidential race, when — again — the state that dubiously entered hanging chads into the lexicon was the last state by several days to make official its final vote. (I knew we were in trouble on election night when I saw state officials run out of fingers and toes and start wheeling in that giant abacus.)

I guess we should at least be thankful that Florida elections officials are not in charge of certifying our state’s sports results, too.

News update: Five months later, Florida is not yet prepared to render as official the Heat’s apparent NBA championship-clinching win over Oklahoma City last June. “We are still tallying late baskets,” a state spokesman explained. “Better to get this right than to meet some artificial timetable.”

On Sunday, the Dolphins play host to the Titans and state elections officials hope to announce a final score by early Wednesday. “It isn’t as easy as people think,” a spokesman said. “Remember that we are a state with early scoring and also late-arriving absentee points.”

Fortunately, the Marlins do not present a problem for state elections officials, as counting the team’s runs seldom requires more than one hand.

• The Lakers fired coach

Mike Brown

after a 1-4 start. “Man, that is a some impressive impatience!” said an admiring

Jeffrey Loria


• New Marlins manager

Mike Redmond

hired a new hitting coach, ex-Yankee

Tino Martinez

. Considering the team batted .244, was next-to-last in the National League in runs and had a club-record 17 shutout losses, I figure Martinez will be an improvement if all he does is remind guys which end of the bat to hold.

• Sack-man

Cameron Wake

, at No. 25, is the only Dolphin ranked in a new ESPN list of the top 50 NFL players. Cam deserves a nickname. So here it is: “Earthwake.” (Patent pending.)

• I went 13-1 on my NFL predictions last week. I hope you’ll forgive me that bit of bragging as I can all but promise it will never happen again.

• TV’s

Terry Bradshaw

apologized for saying

Reggie Bush

looked on his 18-yard TD run “like he was chasing that bucket of chicken the wind was blowing.” Not sure which is worse: The racist tone, or the tortured metaphor. (When, exactly, was the last time


saw the wind blowing a bucket of chicken?)

• Jets coach

Rex Ryan

was voted as NFL’s most overrated coach in a players poll. Cannot confirm he also was voted most overbearing, most obnoxious and most likely to regain all that weight.


Michael Vick

blamed the Eagles’ rough start on the Philadelphia media causing turmoil. Hmm. I’m thinking the losses might have a tad more to do with Vick causing turnovers.

• Bears defensive star Charles Tillman said he might miss Sunday’s big game vs. Texans because his wife is due, but it turns out she’ll deliver Monday. Good thing. Otherwise the newborn might have been named The Least Popular Baby In Chicago.

• People road bikes hundreds of miles to raise money for cancer research in the Dolphin Cycling Challenge last week. I liked the cause but didn’t want to work that hard so I wrote a check while sitting on my couch eating Cheetos.

• Progress is being reported in the two-month-old NHL lockout. Apparently, both sides have agreed they both look like idiots for not ending this sooner.

• As

Jimmie Johnson

moves in on another NASCAR season title at Homestead next week,

Kevin Harvick

saw his car damaged when a prerace parachute diver veered onto pit row. Bulletin to sporting events: The only people fascinated by skydiving are skydivers.

• A horse named Fort Larned won the Breeders Cup at Santa Anita in Arcadia, Calif., to immediately establish itself as a leading contender to disappoint everybody in the Triple Crown races.


Ronda Rousey

has become the first female to join UFC, which is scouting for other females to fight her. Too bad. I think she should fight men. Plenty of women dominate and completely control men. The word for that is “marriage.”

• The Key West Super Boat World Championships are going on despite the deaths of three drivers in last year’s race. Cigarette boats might be the only thing worse for your health than cigarettes.

• Cops broke up a gambling ring run by Broward youth coaches betting on Pee Wee football. (Update: the line on the Wildcats game has dropped from minus-8 to minus-4 due to the starting quarterback being grounded for sassing his mom.)

• Hidden injuries, switched jersey numbers, intentionally deflated footballs. When USC said they wanted coach

Lane Kiffin

to set an example, I guess they should have specified what kind of example.

• Soccer superstar

Lionel Messi’s

girlfriend gave birth to a boy. The infant is currently fourth in the Spanish league in scoring.


Parting thought:

It was announced

Danica Patrick

would appear in two new Super Bowl ads, extending her all-time lead in ratio of Super Bowl ads to winning anything.

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