Rejected first draft of new White House guidelines for name-calling.
As a result of the controversy following a comment made by Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, the president has issued the following directive to all senior staff and Cabinet members:
The term “moron” is never to be used when referring to the current commander-in-chief.
This ban shall include all adjectival enhancements of the word, including but not limited to “f-----g moron” (Mr. Tillerson’s phrase), “hopeless moron,” “clueless moron,” “dithering moron” and “pompous moron.”
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No audible utterance of such disrespectful remarks will be tolerated, including but not limited to whispering, grumbling, muttering under one’s breath, or even fake-coughing the words when the president isn’t listening.
Also forbidden is any reference to the Trump White House as an “adult day-care center,” a line used by Republican Sen. Bob Corker of Tennessee. Such comments serve only to fuel the perception that the president behaves like a spoiled, unruly child, and that he requires constant grownup supervision.
If you are publicly asked to describe how the White House operates, your reply must avoid wry comparisons to any custodial care institutions, including but not limited to kindergartens, nursery schools, zoos, work-release camps or minimum-security prisons.
All metaphors implying the executive branch is a circus or carnival are hereby banned, as are the words “clown,” “clownish,” and “clown-like.”
In the event that you or any member of your staff should slip and call the president an unflattering name, we will immediately initiate Emergency Protocol 467, otherwise known as the Tillerson Tilt.
The secretary of state’s unfortunate “f-----g moron” remark was overhead after a meeting in which the president appeared to possess limited comprehension of the country’s nuclear-weapon capabilities. As soon as Mr. Tillerson’s words were leaked to the fake media, he was ordered to march out and assert his loyalty and admiration for the president.
Mr. Tillerson dutifully complied, although he stopped short of denying that he called the president a moron. His refusal to lie was principled but unhelpful. A spokesman for the State Department was later assigned to officially refute the moron comment.
Under this new directive, any Cabinet member who gets caught calling the president an unflattering name will be required to indignantly deny calling him that name, including but not limited to the aforementioned versions of “moron.”
Some of you have suggested that because the president himself is a prolific name-caller, he is setting a tone that normalizes such coarse dialogue in his administration.
To clarify the president’s view: He approves of name-calling only as a means of advancing his incredibly fantastic agenda for this country. He firmly believes that slurs, insults and sneering belittlement will help Make America Great Again.
For instance, all staff and Cabinet members should feel free — as the president did — to label black athletes “sons-of-bitches” if they protest racial injustice by kneeling during the national anthem.
Likewise, under these guidelines it is totally acceptable for you to borrow the term “politically motivated ingrates” — coined by the president himself — to characterize Puerto Rican officials who have complained about the federal response to Hurricane Maria.
In fact, you are permitted to use almost any offensive language the president likes to use, and you may use it about anybody except the president. His personal favorites include but aren’t limited to “pig,” “dope,” “slob,” “dummy,” “liar,” “cheater” and “psycho.”
There is one popular insult that is hereby off-limits to any of you but the president — the word “loser,” which he intends to have trademarked. Numerous synonyms are still available, including but not limited to “failure,” “slacker” and “flop.”
The purpose of these guidelines is to avoid embarrassing incidents like the one caused by the secretary of state. There will be no tolerance of any more “moron” comments, which only tarnish the dignity this president has brought to the Oval Office.
Any violation of his directive will result in a humiliating series of tweets, to which you are prohibited from responding. Then, when the president is finished demeaning you, you will likely be fired.
In the meantime he will boast of his superior intellect and challenge you to an IQ test. You are hereby required to play along, and play dumb.