I know a hot trend when I see one and I hate to hop aboard too late. So here goes:
I’m announcing my candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination.
Sure, I have severely limited name recognition in the hinterlands and, come to think of it, in most urban, suburban and exurban areas as well. But that isn’t stopping Lindsey Graham.
True, I have questionable hair (what’s left of it). But that’s not going to deter Donald Trump.
My weight has been known to fluctuate, but that connects me to Mike Huckabee, Chris Christie and Jeb Bush, whose Paleo regimen has worked slimming wonders. Forget his position on immigration and check out those new cheekbones! Memo to self: Out with the rigatoni, in with the rib-eye.
My legs aren’t as sturdy as Rand Paul’s. The only way I’d manage a marathon filibuster is if the Senate allowed a Barcalounger and microwave popcorn. But I don’t share his unsettling habit of berating female journalists. I just beg the ones I know to retweet me.
And I have cool eyeglasses that make me look a whole lot smarter than I really am. I'll fit right in with Rick Perry.
Like Marco Rubio, I have an inspiring immigrant story. My forebears arrived penniless on these shores.
Unfortunately, their country of origin was Italy, which people no longer associate with struggle. They associate it with Prada and prosciutto. One of these is central to my life.
I’ve never won election to any political office.
But neither have Trump, Ben Carson or Carly Fiorina, and her batting average, zero for one, is worse than mine, which is zero for zero. I’m undefeated.
I made the requisite trip to Israel, but it was ages ago and I stupidly neglected to alert the media, tote along a publicist, pose for photographs at the Western Wall and sup with Bibi. You live and you learn.
I haven’t published a book with a title like On My Honor (Perry), Rising to the Challenge (Fiorina), Tough Choices (Fiorina again), Unintimidated (Scott Walker), American Dreams (Rubio), American Patriots (Rick Santorum), Leadership and Crisis (Bobby Jindal) or Unbroken (oops, wrong genre).
My memoir, Born Round, doesn’t belong. But perhaps I can reissue it as The Hunger for Greatness or Fire in the Belly, if the latter doesn’t sound too much like I just ate bad Thai.
Clearly I need a super PAC and a benefactor willing to float me, I don’t know, $10 million? Possibly $15 million? Do I hear $20 million?
I'll go to the highest bidder, and if it’s for a sufficiently handsome sum, I could last until the Florida primary and charge a Coconut Grove hotel suite and dinner in South Beach to the campaign.
I used to think that faintness on voters’ radar was an impediment to running. Hardly. In a recent Quinnipiac poll, 69 percent of respondents said that they didn’t know enough about Fiorina to have any opinion of her, 60 percent said the same about Carson, and 56 percent said that about Graham, even though he’s been in Congress for two decades and had himself surgically conjoined with John McCain.
I used to think that a groundswell of support mattered. Not at all. Last I checked, Jindal and George Pataki were both polling below 1.5 percent. That must have them losing to the margin of error.
I used to think that a shot at victory was the point. Ha! There are spoils aplenty on the path to defeat.
I'll get to ride around in an Escalade with my very own Huma. Minions will buff my Facebook page. Morning Joe will beckon, and I hear that you leave the set with a commemorative mug.
I could even come out of this with my own show, provided that I’m not picky about the network, hour, format or guests. And with the right kind of stump speech and pandering, I could emerge as a deity to one micro-constituency or another and have a guaranteed place at podiums forevermore.
If I don’t make the cut for the Fox News debate in August, I'll just watch it in a nearby pub with Pataki and Graham. Fun! We'll do shots of Wild Turkey whenever Walker mentions unions, Huckabee invokes God or Ted Cruz praises Ted Cruz.
On second thought, maybe we'll stick to seltzer.
I haven’t mentioned a platform. What’s the point? Christie was for the Common Core before he was against it. The Walker who ran for re-election in the Wisconsin governor’s race and the one wooing Iowans are second cousins at best.
Every candidate turns to mush. So I, in a blow for integrity, will start out that way.
© 2015 New York Times News Service