Dave Barry Gift Guide

Dear Leader Tongue Scraper

$2.95 plus shipping and handling from Archie McPhee, P.O. Box 30852, Seattle, Wash. 98113, 425-349-3009, www.mcphee.com

Suggested by Chuck Cody of Columbus, Ohio

Ask any dentist after he has had a couple of shots of tequila, and he will tell you that one of the most vital elements of oral hygiene is scraping your tongue. And yet the tragic fact is that only 9.4 percent of Americans even own a tongue scraper, according to a statistic appearing earlier in this sentence. Why is this? Probably because tongue-scraping is not considered “cool.”

But that is about to change, thanks to this product. This is the first tongue scraper we are aware of that harnesses the glamour and “star power” of Kim Jong-Il, the supreme ruler of North Korea, often called “Dear Leader” by North Koreans in recognition of the fact that any time he wants, he can have them executed.

The Dear Leader Tongue Scraper comes packaged on a cardboard display card featuring an image of a sprightly and smiling Kim Jong-Il running on a beach, holding a tongue scraper in his hand and being pursued by three young women in bathing suits, their arms open wide and their faces expressing the message: “We want you carnally, Dear Leader, because your tongue is devoid of crud!” We’re pretty sure this is not really a North Korean product, since it’s made in China and the package writing is in English. So it’s possible that if you buy this product, you’ll be exacerbating international tension between China and North Korea that could ultimately result in nuclear war and the death of millions. But that is a small price to pay for oral hygiene.

Next gift: Wrap-a-Nap