Dave Barry Gift Guide

Girlfriend Pillow

$18.50 plus shipping and handling from www.amazon.com

Suggested by Rebecca Dill of Scottsdale, Ariz.

This is the perfect gift for that “special guy” on your holiday list. (We are using the term “special guy” in the sense of “loser.”) The Girlfriend Pillow is a soft pillow with a single “arm,” and what the manufacturer describes as “2 round shape cushions on the surface that gives you a breast-like sensation.”

In other words, sleeping with this pillow is exactly like sleeping with a real, biological woman who happens to have only one arm, and no lower body, and no head, and is covered with fabric. Think of the advantages! For one thing, the Girlfriend Pillow will never buy shoes, or demand that you share your innermost feelings when you have no innermost feelings more complex than “I want another beer.” Speaking of which: If you spill your beer, you can use the Girlfriend Pillow to mop it up. Try THAT with a biological woman!

The Girlfriend Pillow is the official girlfriend pillow of the National Football League. Also Donald Trump owns two of these, although they have not yet met.

Next gift: Martha Stewart Animated Snake Wreath