Dave Barry Gift Guide

Christmas Stocking Full of Knives

$39.99 plus shipping and handling from Smoky Mountain Knife Works, 2320 Winfield Dunn Pkwy., P.O. Box 4430, Sevierville, Tenn. 37864, 800-251-9306, www.smkw.com

We’re not going to beat around the bush here: This is one of the most exciting items we at the Holiday Gift Guide have ever encountered. It comes from the folks at Smoky Mountain Knife Works. Apparently they were sitting around one day, wondering, “What can we here at the Smoky Mountain Knife Works do to help people get into the true spirit of the holidays?” And then somebody — let’s call him Bob — said, “How about we sell a Christmas stocking filled with knives?” And then everybody had a good laugh and took away Bob’s crack pipe.

No, seriously: They actually did it. We know because we bought this item. What you get is a cheap mesh Christmas stocking with a cardboard picture of a happy ho-ho-ho Santa on it, and this stocking is COMPLETELY FULL OF KNIVES. And these knives are not small, either. A couple of them are the size of Justin Bieber. Talk about the holiday spirit! If you’re holding one of these babies, and you tell somebody to bring you a figgy pudding, trust us, that person WILL bring you a figgy pudding.

Next gift: Cow and Horse Droppings